I'm Sorry. I'm sorry that I speak my mind, that I am open with my emotions...that I cry so easily.
I'm sorry that I don't hold back, sorry for being honest, real..sorry for being me.
I'm sorry that I share my feelings, rather than entertain those crazy thoughts that pop into my head from time to time.
I'm sorry that my status updates, my notes, my blog entries, or my e-mails fail to meet your "approval"
I'm sorry that I'm not always so "happy -go-lucky".
So sorry that I don't fit your mold. I'm sorry that I stand out, I'm sorry that I'm so offensive.
But of all the things I'm sorry about, I'm sorry that you refuse to love the real me.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
One Lump or Two...an Update
Okay, First I gotta give a huge shout out to MommaWheel & Mrs. Davis for showing so much care and concern... Thank You!
So, I went to the Doctor's this evening (actually I'm just getting back... I haven't even removed my shoes). I went for my Back issue, but at the advice of Mommawheel, asked the Dr. to feel me up just a bit.
She did feel the lump and suggested that it may just be fibrocystic breast changes... but she referred me to Einstein Women's Center to have a ultrasound and maybe a mammogram. I guess, we'll see.
As for my back (which is really a back burner issue) I'm still in alot of pain, but I've been praying and trying to focus on God's blessings and what it is he's trying to get my attention for, as I'm sure he doesn't want me dwelling on negative thoughts i.e. me not being able to see Zoe graduate or Miles go to Kindergarten...
Well, That's my story. I'm off to bed, or at least to lie down...we'll see how far I get with that.
So, I went to the Doctor's this evening (actually I'm just getting back... I haven't even removed my shoes). I went for my Back issue, but at the advice of Mommawheel, asked the Dr. to feel me up just a bit.
She did feel the lump and suggested that it may just be fibrocystic breast changes... but she referred me to Einstein Women's Center to have a ultrasound and maybe a mammogram. I guess, we'll see.
As for my back (which is really a back burner issue) I'm still in alot of pain, but I've been praying and trying to focus on God's blessings and what it is he's trying to get my attention for, as I'm sure he doesn't want me dwelling on negative thoughts i.e. me not being able to see Zoe graduate or Miles go to Kindergarten...
Well, That's my story. I'm off to bed, or at least to lie down...we'll see how far I get with that.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
One Lump or Two....I'm Freaking Out!
Okay I'm assuming that this post will provide way too much information, but If I don't write it out I'll loose my mind.
Today I found a lump.
I found a chick pea sized lump on my left breast, and I am officially freaked out. I woke up this morning with pain that left my left arm almost immobilized, but I managed to make it through the day thinking that maybe I slept funny, or had gotten kicked or punched by Miles in the middle of the night (yes, he still sleeps in the bed with us on occasion, but that another post). Anyway, it wasn't until I got home that I noticed just how severe the pain actually was, I was almost in tears when I picked Miles up and he hugged me a little too tight.
Yes, I do perform self breast exams quite frequently and I have my lady doctor check me out yearly as well, but I have never ever felt this kind of pain outside of breast feeding. It's almost excruciating!
This feels like engorgement - when the mammary glands by expanding veins and the pressure of new breast milk contained within them, but I'm not breastfeeding. I've had blocked ducts in the past, but again I'm not breastfeeding, and I'm not pregnant (at least I don't think so). I'm smack dab in the middle of ovulation, but this is not the normal tenderness I get around this time of the month... I don't smoke, I 'm not on any birth control, I'm not on any meds - not even Tylenol or vitamins...I'm freaking out, I'm concerned, and I'm just a tad bit scared.
What scares me is that My Grandmother was diagnosed with Breast cancer just before her 30th birthday. My mother always complained of breast pains/problems but because of her mental state - and drug usage, she never really took care of her self and got things checked out...God only knows what she had!! ughhhhh
So here I am 60 days away from my 30th and I wake up with a damn lump in my breast, AND PAIN UNDER MY GOD DAMNED UNDERARM!!!!. What the FUCK!?!?!
Yes, I'll call my Gynecologist, but in the meanwhile I think I will go to the hospital, maybe they'll give me an ultrasound or something...
I'll keep you posted.
Today I found a lump.
I found a chick pea sized lump on my left breast, and I am officially freaked out. I woke up this morning with pain that left my left arm almost immobilized, but I managed to make it through the day thinking that maybe I slept funny, or had gotten kicked or punched by Miles in the middle of the night (yes, he still sleeps in the bed with us on occasion, but that another post). Anyway, it wasn't until I got home that I noticed just how severe the pain actually was, I was almost in tears when I picked Miles up and he hugged me a little too tight.
Yes, I do perform self breast exams quite frequently and I have my lady doctor check me out yearly as well, but I have never ever felt this kind of pain outside of breast feeding. It's almost excruciating!
This feels like engorgement - when the mammary glands by expanding veins and the pressure of new breast milk contained within them, but I'm not breastfeeding. I've had blocked ducts in the past, but again I'm not breastfeeding, and I'm not pregnant (at least I don't think so). I'm smack dab in the middle of ovulation, but this is not the normal tenderness I get around this time of the month... I don't smoke, I 'm not on any birth control, I'm not on any meds - not even Tylenol or vitamins...I'm freaking out, I'm concerned, and I'm just a tad bit scared.
What scares me is that My Grandmother was diagnosed with Breast cancer just before her 30th birthday. My mother always complained of breast pains/problems but because of her mental state - and drug usage, she never really took care of her self and got things checked out...God only knows what she had!! ughhhhh
So here I am 60 days away from my 30th and I wake up with a damn lump in my breast, AND PAIN UNDER MY GOD DAMNED UNDERARM!!!!. What the FUCK!?!?!
Yes, I'll call my Gynecologist, but in the meanwhile I think I will go to the hospital, maybe they'll give me an ultrasound or something...
I'll keep you posted.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Untitled...for various reasons
Today stated out fine. I woke up with enough time to get everything done, and make it out to work on time.
I got an e-mail from a friend that had me feeling good, and a face book update from another that made me smile. I was feeling good.
And then I got a phone call, from you, someone I don’t care for much telling me about another one of your damn problems.
No, not you, butthe person 'm talking about has a long (and I mean long) history of making decisions and then when things go wrong complaining about the bad hand they've been dealt. Whether its school, housing, finances or birth control choices theyre notorious for not thinking things through.
I'm not concerned with their ill planned decisions, what frustrates me the most is that somehow, someway I always manage to find myself right in the middle of their drama! It never fails. And I am so damned tired of it. I’m tired of the updates on how horrible she has it, or how no one ever has her back.
SHUT UP! You’re too damned old for this crap. Get over yourself, and learn to either make better decisions, or learn from your mistakes, and keep it moving. I mean do you e honestly think that you’re the only person in the world with trials? I mean come on.
You really need to take some time, step outta your shoes and realize/be grateful for what you have instead of searching for this magic cure all. You can have it all, we all can, but you got to let go of some of that crappy ass baggage so you can grab a hold of something better.
[end of rant]
I got an e-mail from a friend that had me feeling good, and a face book update from another that made me smile. I was feeling good.
And then I got a phone call, from you, someone I don’t care for much telling me about another one of your damn problems.
No, not you, butthe person 'm talking about has a long (and I mean long) history of making decisions and then when things go wrong complaining about the bad hand they've been dealt. Whether its school, housing, finances or birth control choices theyre notorious for not thinking things through.
I'm not concerned with their ill planned decisions, what frustrates me the most is that somehow, someway I always manage to find myself right in the middle of their drama! It never fails. And I am so damned tired of it. I’m tired of the updates on how horrible she has it, or how no one ever has her back.
SHUT UP! You’re too damned old for this crap. Get over yourself, and learn to either make better decisions, or learn from your mistakes, and keep it moving. I mean do you e honestly think that you’re the only person in the world with trials? I mean come on.
You really need to take some time, step outta your shoes and realize/be grateful for what you have instead of searching for this magic cure all. You can have it all, we all can, but you got to let go of some of that crappy ass baggage so you can grab a hold of something better.
[end of rant]
Friday, October 2, 2009
Vacation - Here's our Story & we're sticking to it...
Vacation
Let me start by telling you just how much I needed some time to unwind. A LOT!
The Prequel
This year we did things a little different. Instead of working up until the day before vacation, we closed 2 days early and took advantage of a 10 day vacation versus a 7 day. Of course our decision, which was made more than 6 months in advance, was met with objection from a family who claimed not to have received notice of our closing. But UI am so beyond that.
We took full advantage of our extended pre-vacation by packing, forwarding our mail, updating our security and emergency contacts, taking Luna (our dog) to the kennel, cleaning the house – because no one like to come from vacation to a sink full of dishes - and of course just doing nothing…By the time Sunday rolled around I was actually relaxed enough to go back to work…but who do you think your talking to? I wanted more.
Our friend Kendall, who is honestly the best friend any family could have, went out of his way this time. Not only did he WAKE US UP – yes we overslept, but he helped us load seven suitcases, a stroller, a bag full of digital and video cameras, two sleepy and somewhat disgruntled kids into his van. He sat through our ramblings about what we wanted to eat from Dunkin’ Donuts, and drove us safely to the airport. We were officially on vacation!!!
Day 1 – The Wait
Getting there was a breeze, we flew down into Ft. Lauderdale, and I must admit that I actually enjoyed the flight down. Southwest really goes out of their way to make flying hassle free, fun and affordable. Of course my favorite part was the vinyl/leather seats which are a huge plus for me since I’m not really a big fan of fabric furniture – I’ll explain in a later post. I would definitely fly southwest again and again and again. So we arrive in Ft. Lauderdale and were greeted by this sweet little old lady named Rose. I swear she’s like 4 feet 6 inches and 92 pounds. Anyway, rose was the “Travel Coordinator” and was responsible for making sure we got from the airport in Ft. Lauderdale to the Cruise Terminal in Miami safe, comfortable and in style.
Now if you remember the last time we were in Miami was horrid! Everything about Miami irked me. The humidity, the rude ass lady on the airport loudspeaker only speaking Spanish, the nasty baggage guys everything… This time I made an effort to avoid all contact with anyone living or working in Miami- say what you will, but it worked…no one was nasty or rude or rubbed me the wrong way… of course they’re probably blogging about some nasty girl from Philadelphia who couldn’t even give eye contact. Ha!
So after several unnecessary searches and exhaustingly long lines we made it! We boarded Carnival Valor and were setting sail for a Seven Day Western Caribbean cruise.
Day 2 – Fun Day at Sea
Truer words have never been spoken. After a few times down the mind eraser (the water slide) I was really at peace. I forgot all about work, about the angry parent who said we didn’t tell her we would be closed, the bills, the dog…I forgot about everything! Each trip – and there were plenty - to the soft serve ice cream machine made me feel like a kid again. We seriously spent the first 24 hours on board eating, jumping and splashing in the pool, running across the hot deck like a lizard in the dessert, and exploring the ship. By the end of the evening, everyone was exhausted. Kyle & Zoe were in a dance induced coma, while Miles and I had the worst case of ice cream tongue.
Day 3 – Grand Cayman Island
We started our day with ice cream, and then went on a guided tour around the Island of Grand Cayman. I gotta tell you… riding around town on the left side was super scary. Each and every intersection had my stomach in knots, there were a few times I thought I would have to check my drawers… But I gotta give it to our tour guide Mark. This dude was whipping a 15 passenger van like Michael Andretti. We visited the famous 7 mile beach, took in some free rum samples, visited Hell – yes, there’s a town called Hell – and ended up at the Grand Carman Turtle Farm , where we (well, actually Kyle and the Kids) snatched turtles straight outta the water . There were chances to pet 400lb turtles and even taste turtle soup. No, I didn’t try any, but Miles and Kyle were very brave… said it tasted like chicken…lol
Day 4 – Isla Rotan
This was by far our favorite port. At the advice of the Ship’s excursion desk we booked a beach day at Tabayan Beach. This is the most beautiful serene beach that I have ever visited – and that’s not the monkey lala’s talking either. The sands were pristine white and as soft as silk, the waters were so crystal clear that you could actually see the tropical fish swim against your feet. Zoë Miles & Kyle were snorkeling at the reef while I learned to float – yeah I know I’m a bit too old to have just learned to float. But when I was floating I felt so close to God. Everything seemed so calm, so quiet, and so just right. All I could hear was the muffled voices of children laughing and my own thoughts…It was amazing…and since I managed to move my arms, therefore moving myself across the water, I was technically swimming. J
Last year we fell in love with the old world charm of Key West, this year we fell in love with the quaintness of Isla Rotan.
Day 5 – Belize City, Belize
After a 30-45 minute tender boat ride that left my butt tender I was exhausted, but I must admit, that Belize was better than I had expected. We originally decided to stay on the ship because we were afraid of bot fly larvae carrying mosquitoes. Armed with a can of Off mosquito repellent, extra long socks and pants (I’m sure we looked like complete idiots) we were ready to venture out and see what Belize had to offer. We were greeted by Frank, a local entrepreneur trying to earn income by offering tours of his city. I had my reservations about getting into a car in a foreign land with a stranger, but Kyle was okay with the idea, so we went with it (Kyle usually isn’t wrong with his intuition). For 40$ Frank gave us a 1 hour tour around Belize city, showing us the countries oldest church – equipped with shackle post for slaves, the oldest standing house, as well as new construction. He showed us the primary schools, outdoor markets, and even his own home. Frank definitely gave us the best bang for our buck, and he even treated Kyle to a Belkin – the countries beer.
Day 6 – Cozumel Mexico
Since this was our second time visiting Cozumel, Kyle and I already knew what we wanted to do. We rented a jeep from Alamo and toured the island on our own. We went to Playa Mia where we soaked up the sun, played in the sand, ate quesada’s and got massages.
Afterwards, we traveled across the Island to the San Gervasio - an archaelogical site of the pre-columbian Maya civilization, located at the approximate center of the island. It was one of those things that you feel compelled to visit, just because its there, but once you get there you’re like, oh, okay… I mean I liked the experience and all, but it was just okay.
We got back to the jeep, and drove around a little more before we got lost. As always Kyle never takes my advice and turns where or where I tell him to turn and we ended up lost – waaayyy on the other side of town. We eventually found someone who actually knew what I was talking about and directed us back to the port. Yes, we get lost quite often. Of course we made it back, and even had enough time to grab a few souvenirs.
Day 7 – Back to Reality
A 7 day vacation is exhausting. I was literally too tired to do anything – except for eat ice cream. The ship had a big party and once again Kyle and Zoe danced until the music went off. We all ended up with sunburn – Miles’ was so bad that he cried, but Shea butter soothed his pain – and we were all ready to go home. We spent much of the evening in the cabin, packing for our trip home. We even ordered room service. By 10:00 we were all lying down watching Wolverine and dozing off. We had conquered vacation once again.
After a five hour long flight from Ft. Lauderdale Philadelphia - with a lay over in Atlanta – We were back home, and back to reality. But we still had one more day of rest and relaxation. Of course we spent it eating ice cream.
Let me start by telling you just how much I needed some time to unwind. A LOT!
The Prequel
This year we did things a little different. Instead of working up until the day before vacation, we closed 2 days early and took advantage of a 10 day vacation versus a 7 day. Of course our decision, which was made more than 6 months in advance, was met with objection from a family who claimed not to have received notice of our closing. But UI am so beyond that.
We took full advantage of our extended pre-vacation by packing, forwarding our mail, updating our security and emergency contacts, taking Luna (our dog) to the kennel, cleaning the house – because no one like to come from vacation to a sink full of dishes - and of course just doing nothing…By the time Sunday rolled around I was actually relaxed enough to go back to work…but who do you think your talking to? I wanted more.
Our friend Kendall, who is honestly the best friend any family could have, went out of his way this time. Not only did he WAKE US UP – yes we overslept, but he helped us load seven suitcases, a stroller, a bag full of digital and video cameras, two sleepy and somewhat disgruntled kids into his van. He sat through our ramblings about what we wanted to eat from Dunkin’ Donuts, and drove us safely to the airport. We were officially on vacation!!!
Day 1 – The Wait
Getting there was a breeze, we flew down into Ft. Lauderdale, and I must admit that I actually enjoyed the flight down. Southwest really goes out of their way to make flying hassle free, fun and affordable. Of course my favorite part was the vinyl/leather seats which are a huge plus for me since I’m not really a big fan of fabric furniture – I’ll explain in a later post. I would definitely fly southwest again and again and again. So we arrive in Ft. Lauderdale and were greeted by this sweet little old lady named Rose. I swear she’s like 4 feet 6 inches and 92 pounds. Anyway, rose was the “Travel Coordinator” and was responsible for making sure we got from the airport in Ft. Lauderdale to the Cruise Terminal in Miami safe, comfortable and in style.
Now if you remember the last time we were in Miami was horrid! Everything about Miami irked me. The humidity, the rude ass lady on the airport loudspeaker only speaking Spanish, the nasty baggage guys everything… This time I made an effort to avoid all contact with anyone living or working in Miami- say what you will, but it worked…no one was nasty or rude or rubbed me the wrong way… of course they’re probably blogging about some nasty girl from Philadelphia who couldn’t even give eye contact. Ha!
So after several unnecessary searches and exhaustingly long lines we made it! We boarded Carnival Valor and were setting sail for a Seven Day Western Caribbean cruise.
Day 2 – Fun Day at Sea
Truer words have never been spoken. After a few times down the mind eraser (the water slide) I was really at peace. I forgot all about work, about the angry parent who said we didn’t tell her we would be closed, the bills, the dog…I forgot about everything! Each trip – and there were plenty - to the soft serve ice cream machine made me feel like a kid again. We seriously spent the first 24 hours on board eating, jumping and splashing in the pool, running across the hot deck like a lizard in the dessert, and exploring the ship. By the end of the evening, everyone was exhausted. Kyle & Zoe were in a dance induced coma, while Miles and I had the worst case of ice cream tongue.
Day 3 – Grand Cayman Island
We started our day with ice cream, and then went on a guided tour around the Island of Grand Cayman. I gotta tell you… riding around town on the left side was super scary. Each and every intersection had my stomach in knots, there were a few times I thought I would have to check my drawers… But I gotta give it to our tour guide Mark. This dude was whipping a 15 passenger van like Michael Andretti. We visited the famous 7 mile beach, took in some free rum samples, visited Hell – yes, there’s a town called Hell – and ended up at the Grand Carman Turtle Farm , where we (well, actually Kyle and the Kids) snatched turtles straight outta the water . There were chances to pet 400lb turtles and even taste turtle soup. No, I didn’t try any, but Miles and Kyle were very brave… said it tasted like chicken…lol
Day 4 – Isla Rotan
This was by far our favorite port. At the advice of the Ship’s excursion desk we booked a beach day at Tabayan Beach. This is the most beautiful serene beach that I have ever visited – and that’s not the monkey lala’s talking either. The sands were pristine white and as soft as silk, the waters were so crystal clear that you could actually see the tropical fish swim against your feet. Zoë Miles & Kyle were snorkeling at the reef while I learned to float – yeah I know I’m a bit too old to have just learned to float. But when I was floating I felt so close to God. Everything seemed so calm, so quiet, and so just right. All I could hear was the muffled voices of children laughing and my own thoughts…It was amazing…and since I managed to move my arms, therefore moving myself across the water, I was technically swimming. J
Last year we fell in love with the old world charm of Key West, this year we fell in love with the quaintness of Isla Rotan.
Day 5 – Belize City, Belize
After a 30-45 minute tender boat ride that left my butt tender I was exhausted, but I must admit, that Belize was better than I had expected. We originally decided to stay on the ship because we were afraid of bot fly larvae carrying mosquitoes. Armed with a can of Off mosquito repellent, extra long socks and pants (I’m sure we looked like complete idiots) we were ready to venture out and see what Belize had to offer. We were greeted by Frank, a local entrepreneur trying to earn income by offering tours of his city. I had my reservations about getting into a car in a foreign land with a stranger, but Kyle was okay with the idea, so we went with it (Kyle usually isn’t wrong with his intuition). For 40$ Frank gave us a 1 hour tour around Belize city, showing us the countries oldest church – equipped with shackle post for slaves, the oldest standing house, as well as new construction. He showed us the primary schools, outdoor markets, and even his own home. Frank definitely gave us the best bang for our buck, and he even treated Kyle to a Belkin – the countries beer.
Day 6 – Cozumel Mexico
Since this was our second time visiting Cozumel, Kyle and I already knew what we wanted to do. We rented a jeep from Alamo and toured the island on our own. We went to Playa Mia where we soaked up the sun, played in the sand, ate quesada’s and got massages.
Afterwards, we traveled across the Island to the San Gervasio - an archaelogical site of the pre-columbian Maya civilization, located at the approximate center of the island. It was one of those things that you feel compelled to visit, just because its there, but once you get there you’re like, oh, okay… I mean I liked the experience and all, but it was just okay.
We got back to the jeep, and drove around a little more before we got lost. As always Kyle never takes my advice and turns where or where I tell him to turn and we ended up lost – waaayyy on the other side of town. We eventually found someone who actually knew what I was talking about and directed us back to the port. Yes, we get lost quite often. Of course we made it back, and even had enough time to grab a few souvenirs.
Day 7 – Back to Reality
A 7 day vacation is exhausting. I was literally too tired to do anything – except for eat ice cream. The ship had a big party and once again Kyle and Zoe danced until the music went off. We all ended up with sunburn – Miles’ was so bad that he cried, but Shea butter soothed his pain – and we were all ready to go home. We spent much of the evening in the cabin, packing for our trip home. We even ordered room service. By 10:00 we were all lying down watching Wolverine and dozing off. We had conquered vacation once again.
After a five hour long flight from Ft. Lauderdale Philadelphia - with a lay over in Atlanta – We were back home, and back to reality. But we still had one more day of rest and relaxation. Of course we spent it eating ice cream.
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