I need a minute...

to vent!

No, really. I'm in the middle of working, but I just have to "blow off some steam".

I am getting really fed up with some of these parents expecting more than what they're willing to give. Take for an example of of my parents who receives subsidy through the state. She's mandated (as part of her subsidy agreement) to pay a co-pay to supplement what the state (also known as tax payers) pay. Co-Pays are based purely on income, so if you don't earn as much, or if you have no income at all. you have no co-pay.

This woman who has a FIVE dollar co-pay has an excuse EACH and EVERY Monday as to why she can't or shouldn't pay. This week she comes in on Tuesday with some lame ass story about how the schools were closed on Monday so she shouldn't have to pay the full $5, just $4. I politely dismissed her claim, by reminding her that her subsidy agreement requires that she pay the co-pay, and I have to report any unpaid claims - which could lead to her being sanctioned and possibly loosing childcare and or other benefits. She gives me this long F**k You Stare and walks out. Whatever!

Wednesday she comes in and she's all smiles. She asks me if I finished the trip schedule and if we're going the the NJ Aquarium. I reply by telling her that I'm still working on it and would have it for her (and the other parents) by Friday.I go further by telling her that I am not sure if we would go to the Aquarium, since parent participation (PP) (50% or more) would be needed for a trip that big(mainly because it's out of state).

I could see her getting herself all worked up, so I just kept on talking...

I go on to tell her that we're in the process of getting pricing, and if we can get PP and a decent price that we could possibly include it towards the end of our program.

She interrupts me by asking "So What? You Don't Think that I'mma go with my Baby?" I was stuck y'all. In my mind I'm thinking YOU CANT EVEN PAY 5$ HOW THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO GO TO THE AQUARIUM, but I suppress my anger and tell her that based on past years, PP hasn't allowed us to take a very large group out of state. She ends the conversation by gathering her bags (this lady always has ALOT of Shopping Bags) and grabs her "baby" by the arm and yells at him "Let's go!" Whatever!

So Thursday Rolls around and she calls me at 5:53 *sidebar, there are some parents I dread talking to on the phone. They're rude, inconsiderate and sometimes (no most times) I just don't feel like listening to them B&M about something that I can't change) To tell me that she hasn't forgotten her Baby (Yeah, Seriously) I reassure her that I didn't think she forgot him, that she still has time, and not to worry since there are other kids here with him. Her Reply: "Yeah cuz otherwise you'll nickle and dime me for the late charge". Talk about wanting to cuss that woman out! *sidebar - sometimes I consider the "cost" of dealing with a family/child and determine that they're not worth the tuition...I've terminated families who were a hassle in the past and I was thinking that now would be a perfect time to free up a space...

So she arrives at 6:30 on the nose (with MORE Bags) and she half handed me $4 - which is supposed to represent her co-pay, and reminds me that "her baby wasn't there on Monday". I accept the money, and tell her that she should probably notify her subsidy contractor if she's having difficulty paying contractual amount, or if her income/hours have decreased., and she rips into me about how I'm the one riding her for $5 and she has the money, but just doesn't think that its fair that I get paid twice (she's forgetting that her subsidy is deducted bu the amount of her co-pay). She rips another crumpled dollar out of her pocket and hands it to me , mumbling all the while that she makes more money than I ever will, and I better watch myself before she takes her child out of my care.

***Oh Jesus, Help this lady before I jump down these steps and kick her Ass!" *** I'm already pissed that she's here at 6:30 wasting my time about a damn dollar, but I'm still trying to be in the right... I simply told her that if she feels as though her "baby" isn't receiving the best care that she should probably look elsewhere for childcare...I EVEN RECOMMENDED A PLACE! WHATEVER JUST GET OUTTA MY FACE LADY!!!

So this morning, she comes in, smiling and laughing and asks me how my day's going so far and if I'm glad its Friday and all this other Bovine Fecal Matter. I think back to my former life (when I probably would've smacked her and her damn baby) and then I remembered that my grand momma taught me better than that, and I smiled and nodded...

What a week... What a Nut Job!

Yoga...

Yesterday I resumed my Yoga practice. It was very hard getting back into the "swing of things" when I haven't practiced in over a month. Luckily for me, I was accompanied by a friend who anticipated this class just as much (if not more) than I did.

Starting out was rough. I'm in the downward facing dog position trying to focus my mind and my arms start buckling...but I press on - telling myself that I can do it.

Midway through the work out (screw anyone who says Yoga is not a Workout) and I'm feeling good, My mind is clear, my thoughts are few (with the exception of sandy white beaches and the smell of coconuts) and I'm at peace. No more worry about the bills, the biz,weather or not my kids are bathed...nothing.

On the way back My friend and I had a wonderful conversation. It's funny how you never realize just how much you are alike - even though you're so different. Yes we may have different background, different goals, but there is always a common bond in Christ.

Friend - Thank you for coming out with me... thank you for being honest and thank you for sharing

"Patricia, You Can Do This"

After an exhausting and emotionally depleting day of working 12 hours, having my work PC finally die on me and listening to one particular kid cry and cray and cry, I straight up needed a pep talk before going into my first class. Already 30 minutes late WITH NO TEXT BOOK I was seriously discouraged, and slightly annoyed.... Instead of taking the elevator I took the stairs to give myself some time to Hear God tell me that I can get through this (plus I needed the exercise). I entered the class, chose a seat and immediately started taking notes. I even surprised myself when I answered a question correctly. I was Like "Dang! I didn't Know I knew that" By the end of the class I was able to get caught up on notes, snag a syllabus and figure out a few homework problems....

Watch Out Now!

The iBible...

Makin' me feel...

Like I'm Not Enough!

(This post has been sitting in my drafts for the past two weeks...but as these feelings come to a head I feel the need to "let it go")

Have you ever had someone or something make you feel inadequate? Maybe your "friend" who gives you that sideways look as you pitch your "big idea"? Maybe your Mother-in-law who constantly criticizes EVERYTHING you do...Maybe your spouse who, even though you know it, doesn't affirm their love for you with those simple words "I love You", I Need You" "Thank you".

For the past two weeks I've been trying to come to terms with my feelings of not being enough. Almost overnight I've turned into this little scared, insecure little thing.

I stood for over an hour staring at myself in the mirror trying to figure it out...is my hair too "kinky"?, are my lips too broad?, maybe my cheekbones are too high...Do I need to loose more than 20 lbs? Should I get my teeth whitened?, maybe its my un-pedicuredtoes...What could it be that prevents people from loving, trusting, being faithful, honest, caring , REAL with me???

I searched the Internet on how to be a better _____________. But in the end I still feel small.

I know exactly what event caused these feelings to re-surface...but i don't care to share the details at this time - just know that I was hurt, and it's left me feeling like I'm not enough!

Stand Out

The other day I picked up this CD, not really interested in buying it, but somehow it made it's way into my home... Any ways I was listening to the CD in the background while I was doing "the Books". When this song came on it's like everything got real quiet as if I was supposed to hear them clearly... While the entire song is very relevant, this verse stood out to me the most...

It's about to go down.

The battle has begun.

It's time for you to choose, whose side you gonna be on.

The devil is recruiting, temptin' every man.

But he's already defeated, all we have to do is stand.

No time for mixing light with the darkness.

Be black or be white, no more shades of gray.

Be separated, be holy, no matter what you do, don't bow.

And even if you stand alone, stand anyhow.

String Concert - Starring My Baby!

Who Is This Man?

Welcome to a new series on my blog called "Who is This Man." This Blog is dedicated to all of the men/boys in my life who surprise me by doing something out of the ordinary. I dunno, maybe folding the laundry, pulling weeds, washing the windows... you name it. If I catch it and it seems out of the ordinary Imma blog it...

This first entry goes out to Kyle (as they will probaly all) who has astounded me not once, but twice in 1 week. This man is on a ball I tell ya...

Who Is this Man?

Why It's Kyle mowing the lawn - True, it took him a looooong time to get the mower started but hey, some of you may call that foreplay...lol

Who Is this Man?

No, No one hit a baby... It's Kyle again, This time he's under the car fixing a hose. Yes, He pinpointed the problem, got the necessary parts and actually fixed the darn thing... Yes, I was worried, not for his safety perse but for the damage that he would cause to the car. But much to my surprise, no shock, no amazement - yeah amazement, he Fixed it and Fixed it right!

You Go Boy!

Now Don't get me wrong.. Its not that I don't think that Kyle is capeable of doing these things... It's just That given his background (he calls Tripple A when he gets a flat or runs out of gas) I am just surprised to see him doing these kids of things. Its a shame but when I saw him fixing the car I immediatley thought of that Deborah Cox song "Theres a Stranger In My House" - too funny.

Dear Daddy....

So I hear that you've added yet another potential brother/sister to this already dysfunctional family... What are we up to now? 11, 12? Can you admit that this is getting just a little lame? I mean seriously..I'm getting a little tired of being confronted by people at Wal-Mart or Old Country Buffet about your "doings". Can you imagine how embarrassing it must be for women (many my age) to walk up to me and show me my brother/sister?? No You Can't there is no way you can.

Just imagine if a whole bunch of guys your age, walked up to you and told you how much fun they had with me... inappropriate right?? Exactly

Grow up man. I;m not saying that you can't do what ever the hell you wanna do, but can you at least keep your private life PRIVATE??

The "Olden Days"

Lately, Zoe has been fascinated with a period in my life that she has conveniently penned the "Olden Days." Coincidentally, these days (back before everyone had a TV or telephone and we all lived in thatched huts) happen when I was around 5 or 6 years old..."you know mommy, back when pop-pop was a baby."

Are You Kidding Me?!?

We'll be driving along and one of my songs would come on the radio and all of the sudden I am flooded with questions like "Mommy, How was it like in the olden days", or "How did you hear this song if you didn't have radios", or "Did you ride bikes to the Movies?" and on, and on, and on...

One day the Girl had the nerve to ask me if I used to make my own clothes!

This fascination was exacerbated when we recently purchased (again) a used van for the daycare. The van has no power anything - heck.. I almost got locked in the car! EVERYTHING is manual - the windows, the locks, the seats. She was absolutely freakin' amazed when I taught her how to roll down the windows and adjust the side view mirrors.. Talk about Shock and Awe!

Poor Baby...

It's funny how the child thinks that I'm a relic of the "olden days". Since you can drive at 16, and go to college at 17, 14 seems like a perfectly good age to "settle down" and have kids. I remember (back in the day) when I used to call my dad old, and how I would talk about being a grandma at 40 (please God, No!), and wonder if all the people in the pictures were wearing Black & White clothes ALL the time...

But that was in the "olden Days", back when me & pop-pop were babies, and everyone had wooden legs...lol

Lord. I'm Waiting...

I have never been any good at waiting. As a child I expected and sometimes demanded to have things NOW! I never crawled, but walked very early at 9 months of age. Never used training wheels, I went straight to the big league with two-wheelers. As a teenager Id walk rather wait for the bus, wait for a seat and then wait for the driver...and even now as an adult I find myself counting down the minutes...hours...days...until_____. I drove the speed limit yesterday on 76 and I felt like I would die - Yes its that bad!

Now I know exactly where my problem comes form. I have no true discipline, no real respect for authority, So I tend to be a smart a**, a know it all, when in fact I don't know Jack!

As of late I've found myself having to wait and rely on the Lord more than ever. When family problems arise- as they seem to do- I haven't been able to be in the position to swoop down and put that proverbial band aid on it. Instead my hands have been tied - perhaps by the Lord - and I've almost been forced to sit back, be still, listen and wait on God to show (rather than tell) me how to proceed.

Now I'm what feels like a point in my life where I'm ready to move on to that "next chapter" I planned and prepared in advance, for something NEW, something BIG, Something DIFFERENT... But God came in, laughed at all of my silly plans, and put me "back on course". He opened doors to furthering my education so that I could really do what I "planned".

I mistakenly put a period where God put a comma.

So now I sit here with tears burning my eyes- Yes I've been crying all night- Yelling, out! Screaming, pleading with the lord. Lord I'm waiting!

What's strange is that I feel two ways about the whole situation. Part of me feels despair. I cry out because I'm no longer in charge of anything. I'm not in control. I'm still in the game, I'm just not the Quarter Back...I'm more like the Water Boy(Adam Sandler Y'all) - I'm still important, I'm still relevant, I'm just not calling the shots. Another part of me feels relived. I'm excited to see what God has planned fr me. What new possibilities, new adventures, new people will God bring into my life. What new blessings???

Finally I can relax and trust that he'll take care of me...it feels good.

Psalm 119:33-40
Teach me, O Lord, the way of Your Statutes, and I shall keep it to the end.
Give me your understanding, and I shall keep your law; Indeed, I shall observe it with my whole heart. Make me walk in the path of your commandments, for I delight in it. Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to covetousness. Turn away my eyes from looking at worthless things, and revive in me your way. Establish your word to your servant, who is devoted to fearing you, Turn away my reproach which I dread, For your judgements are good.
Behold I long for Your precepts; Revive me in your righteousness.

Keepin' It Real...Fo' shizzo

This Evening I had the absolute pleasure of being in the company of 5 wonderfully beautiful women who absolutely kept it real!

It was ah-mazaing!

There was no backbiting, no slander, no gossip, no snickering just 5 women (6 including myself) keeping it real. It was the most beautiful, uplifting and honest time I can recall in a very long time.

To all of the women who attended, I thank you. Thank you for sharing, thank you for Trusting, Thank you for listening, and thank you for understanding and relating.

You all made a difference in my life tonight and I will be forever appreciative.

Weight Loss Update

After a night of stuffing my face at a Chinese buffet that two well known people (I shan't not say their names) dragged me to I was afraid to step on the scale...

I tried everything to make myself forger that I had a weigh in that I had to take care of. I bathed the kids, walked the dog, I even organized the top shelf of the fridge (i was actually looking for my Reece's cup), and then that alarm on my phone went off telling me to "weigh in"...

I stepped on the scale and to my surprise I actually lost weight. 2 lbs to be exact. I am now 153! I would've lost more weight this week but I started sneaking non-vegan foods back into my diet. I've been eating mayonnaise and cheese like it's going out of style and I can definitely feel the difference. I'm telling myself that I can do this vegan thing, but I Love me some potato salad!!! What's a girl to do?? I know I know...I can take myself on to Whole Foods and get a jar of veganaise and make the darn Potato salad...

For this upcoming week I plan on adding another Yoga class (going 2x per week) and running just a little further. I am also going to give P90X a try - -yes, Kyle talked me into buying it! I'm also going to try and get back into the vegan thing and even give raw foods a try this week. We'll see where it gets me...

*Legal Disclaimer - - Those two well known people didn't really drag me to the Buffet.. I was a willing participant and Loved the conversation

Body Art, the F Bomb, A day unlike any other & Mighty Mouse...

I realize that I haven't blogged in a few days so to make up I am going to try and sum up my weekend in one post.

My Body Art - (Saturday May 10, 2009) - Morning
Saturday Morning I decided against common sense to take the train into town (as my grandmother would call it) and go shopping down at the Liberty Place. The last time I was down town had to be over a year ago, and I told myself then that I would NEVER get back on a Septa Train again. But here I was at 9:30 in the morning sitting across from an older woman with a skirt that was much too short and hairy thighs - please don't ask me how I saw the hair on her thighs, just trust that I never want to be in a situation like that again... It was almost mesmerizing, no matter what I thought about I kept on seeing those damn thighs.

Anyways, I'm sitting there trying my mind my own business (wishing I had an IPod). At Allegheny a woman , who had to be about 40, gets on and sits next to me. She noticed the tattoo on my right arm and starts grilling me on it. "Gal, wat's rong wit chu" I'm looking at her out of the corner of my eye trying to act like I'm either deaf or mute, but it ain't working... she's goes on with "I know you hear me, why you gat that graffiti on your arm? Don't you know that the gud Lawd ain't intend for us to be marking up our bodies with that graffiti". I looked grandma right in the eye and told her that "this graffiti - as you may call it- is a form of artistic expression, and while you may not agree with what I do with my body I am comfortable with what I have to say to God on Judgement day"... She pulls out what looks like he world biggest bible and starts thumbing through it, cussing and damning me to hell all the while. I told her that I would pray for her if she prayed for me and moved tagged up self to another seat.

I ain't gittin on no mo' trains!

The F Bomb - Saturday May 9, 2009 (evening)
Saturday evening, after cleaning the house, and converting a closet into a computer nook we took the kids out for dinner. We get to our destination, and I ask Zoe to unsnap miles from his car seat. She does it without hesitation, and quite pleasantly.Miles starts to climb out of his seat an into the front seat and I tell him that he has to get out through the back... His reply: Awww F**K Mommy! F**K Daddy!

I think Zoe was more shocked than anyone else. I just had to take a deep breath, and talk to the boy before his dad got to him...

A day unlike any other - Sunday May 10, 2009
Okay so you know Sunday was Mother's day. But this mother's day was unique. I told everyone to save their money, since I really didn't want anything - but who knew they would take it so literal.

What made today so unique was that this was the first day in a very long time that I did not spend preparing for Monday. For as long as I can recall I spent Sundays preparing for Monday. I was either doing laundry, cleaning the house, doing Zoe's hair or something... but This day I did nothing and it felt so good...

Mighty Mouse - Monday May 11, 2009
As if this weekend wasn't fun enough, my morning routine was involuntarily cut short when I discovered a mouse still alive in the kitchen trash can. I stumbled upon it - as if there's any other way to find a mouse- while on the phone with a parent who could not understand why we had a no clip on barrette policy in force(this policy has been in force for over 5 months... where has she been?). So I'm doing my thang, phone on the shoulder, dipping bread in French Toast batter, cutting peaches, entertaining kids, listening out for the bell, and listening to Mat Lauer talk to Elizabeth Edwards about her new book & her husband's affair. Just as I'm about to put the trash bag in the can I notice something....

I cut the conversation by telling her its our policy,and I turn down the TV. By now I'm talking out loud to myself wondering what the heck that could be... "Who's sock is this?", "Wait that ain't no sock, is it Dryer lint?", "Who put dryer lint in this trash can?", "Who did laundry here?".. I'm straight tripping y'all and just as I'm reaching into the can to get what I thought was dryer lint, common sense stepped in yelling "Gal wat's rong wit chu?, kan't you see that there is a mouse!" Now I'm in panic mode. There are kids here but I don't wanna freak them out by screaming, and I know ain't none of them gonna be able to help me anyways.. I tell myself that I'm cool as long as the mouse is in the can but then I remember hearing somewhere that a mouse can jump six feet...aaaawww man now I'm really tripping. I do a quick assessment and see who's here, and I start thinking which of the parents I can ask to help me get rid of the mouse... Poppa Wheel! He usually comes in before Kyle, maybe he can do it! Just then the bell rang, I half run half haul a** to the door only to see Momma Wheel & Baby Wheel. I was brutally honest telling Momma wheel that while I was happy to see her, I was hoping Poppa Wheel could come so he could get rid of the mouse... Momma Wheel Looked at me like I had rocks for eyes, and a noodle for a neck and said "well he usually gets a brick and drops it down on it and all you hear is squeak, it's quick"... Just the thought of the squeak sound freaked me out...

*Sidebar - I'm not afraid of mice, but I don't like them. I'm kinda on the fence about killing them (which is kinda messed up) and catching/releasing them especially since that same mouse will probably be back in a few days anyways - it has nothing to do with me being vegan*

So now Momma Wheel and I are walking through the daycare into the kitchen with a big ole rock that I got from the pond, and now 'm concerned with mouse insides getting on my rock - I'm crazy I know- so we put the rock in a bag and BAM! Momma wheel drops the rock on the mouse.

Momma Wheel- "Is he dead?"
Me - "NO! He ain't dead... You missed him."

Now someone has to dig down in the can to get the rock... and that someone turned out to be me...

So we did it again, and again, but nothing.... the sucker got up in a corner.

The bell rang again, and now it's Kyle. I tell him about the tiny terror in the kitchen and he's all like oh "I'll take care of it". I thank Momma Wheel, we share a laugh and she's off. Kyle brings the trash can out front grabs the rock and he's done...

I don't know what he did because I ran away from the scene making sure no kid could be implicated as an accomplice. I didn't even ask.

I know he killed the poor thang... I know he did

Weight Loss Update

Last Time I stepped on the scale I had actually gained weight. The weight gain came on the heels of me finding some super delicious vegetarian (and organic) chocolate. Damn that chocolate was good!!

Any ways two weeks later I've managed to loose that .5lbs and I'm back on track...

I've promised myself to give up soda - which has been very hard for me, especially since I have to convince myself that Sunkist IS soda too...Duh..lol

Anyways it took me 2 whole weeks to loose 1/2 pound! I've fallen off the exercise wagon, but I'm steadily making my way back up...one rubbing thigh at a time...

We'll see...

How Would You Feel?

How Would you feel if I did to you a fraction of the things that you've done to me? How Would you feel if I claim to have forgiven you only to continuously throw things in your face every chance I get...Or what if I just had a general distrust for everything you said/did??



No. I'm no angel...and I know I have my own "stuff" to deal with, but I just thought that we were better than that. I really did.



This takes us right back to square one and messes alot of things up between us. There can be no more us..it's now just you and me.

STRESSED!!!

It's amazing what the human body can endure. Extreme heat & cold, Drought & famine, Happiness and sadness, and of course...STRESS!

We all react to stress in different ways. We punch walls and turn over tables. Some of us loose our hair, our faces breakout and we b r e a k d o w n- emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

We loose contact with our loved ones, we loose our minds...We loose ourselves.

And then there are the few who take all that stress, put it in our back pockets and we sit on it...we fill our lives with other "stuff" - cleaning, cooking, eating, blogging, twittering, children, work, or whatever and we just keep on going... We don't, nor do we want to, have time to deal with STRESS. Until one day we can't take it anymore. and hen we throw in the towel, and give up.

We've all reached that point..or at least I know I have. The point where you tell your self that "it ain't gonna happen again" or "I'll never allow things to get to that point again" but when we ;east expect it STRESS creeps right back in to our lives...

It can come from anywhere. A phone call in the middle of the day delivering upsetting news - news that under any other circumstance wouldn't be that bad. It can come in the form or a bill we just didn't expect to see "How the hell am I gonna pay $500.00 by Thursday??" No matter where the stress comes from it can be a real pain in the ass!

I know i need to learn how to deal with stress much better. Luckily I don't eat, or drink(at least not that much) to deal with stress, but I am guilty of filling my life with meaningless tasks so that I wont have to deal with the real issues...

No, this isn't a cry for help or anything like that...I'm not suicidal, or on the verge of a mental breakdown..I'm just realizing that I have alot more stress than I admit to....

Get offa My Back Yo!

One of the things that absolutely pisses me off is when people HARASS me to do something that I already said I would do.

Nothing - and I mean nothing-turns me off more than Nagging!!! "Did You remember?", "Are You still going to?", "Don't forget what you told me.", You still Got My Back?".

Look Here Dammit! If I said I'd be there, I'll be there. If I said I'd do it, I'm gonna do it. If I said I got you.. calm down! I don't need your stupid little reminder texts, I don't need youto call my dad and tell him to call me. I dont need your crying voice piercing my brain when I check my voice mail... I'm on it!

Trust me, nagging me ain't gonna get you no where fast..and I'll ignore the hell out of you!