Tell me what you think...

After a Top Secret Meeting with a Top secret group of gals I came to a conclusion. Well Actually a few conclusions.

1) I realized that I am loved. Not just by God but by these gals who shared their stories and concerns.
2) I realized that I need to get offa my but and work towards things that I want to pursue. Like Photography.

Soooooo I called up a friend (I actually e-mailed her) and got some camera advice and went out and got myself a Nikon D60. I havent been able to put it down. All of the sudden I'm a photography junky...all over again. And I'm loving it.

I took a photo last night that I absolutley love.

Tell me what you think....

My Breakdown...

Today I had a breakdown.

It wasn't like my usual breakdowns - I usually feel them coming on. I was sitting at the drive thru at Burger King waiting for my veggie Burger Value Meal and Mary Mary's Song Yesterday came on the radio. I didnt even know I was crying until the lady in the windor asked me if I was alright.

I was partially embarrased, But Okay.

I tried to drive home, but I got to the point where all I could see ahead of me were tears. I had to pull aside.

By the time I was done I felt so muych better. I felt okay. for the first time in a long time I was okay. My head was clear and I was able to actually listen to what God was saying all along.

I'm not sure if the storm in my life is over or not, but I'm not so anxious over it any longer.

"Either i'm going to trust you or i may as well walk away 'cause stressing don't make it better. Don't make it better, no way. See i decided that i cried my last tear yesterday"

No Comment. Please!

Why is it that so many people feel compelled to comment on things that are sometimes none of their business?

This morning I'm standing in line at Dunkin' Donuts and this guy (who was probably around my age) stands behind me and says "wow! On your neck Though? You must really Love him, huh?". I turned slowly since I wasn't too sure exactly how close he was to me and just looked at him. I really sometimes forget I have tattoos like the one on my neck, or on my shoulder until someone makes a comment on them. He goes on to say how he "don't know if he'll ever love someone like that", "how lucky the dude must be" and even questioning my relationship by asking if the dude has my name on his neck".

By now I'm starting to get a little pissed. I'm trying to ignore him but I guess he's too damn oblivious to notice. I finally turn around and respond by saying "first of all, if you're going to go around reading stuff on people you should at least have the decency to refer to the dude by his name. I mean you can read can't you? and secondly is it any of your business if he has my name on his neck. Now Please, mind your business so I can get my Tea and enjoy the rest of my day".

He backs off, looks down to the floor like he's embarrassed or something and dosen't say anything else. I order my Tea, Pay and I'm out.

No Comment. Please!

Do You Remember The Time ?

Do you remember the first time you heard a Michael Jackson hit? I do. I had to be around five years old when my dad brought home the "Off The Wall" LP. I looked at that album cover trying to figure out why it was called "off the wall" when he was clearly leaning ON the wall. I remember My parents dancing and laughing to "Don't Stop till you get enough" but it wasn't until "Rock With you" came on that my five year old mind became forever addicted to Pop.

For as long as I can remember I knew and Loved Michael Jackson. I had the glitter socks, the glove, the doll and even the Thriller Jacket - Man...I was the ish* in Kindergarten! My bedroom was adorned with his posters, all with lip glossed kisses on them of course.

So when I learned of his passing I was heart broken. I wanted to cry, but couldn't. I don't know why...

I almost feel like I lost a family member. The music of Michael Jackson had helped me through so many trying times in my life. When I struggled with the decision to leave a well paying job and chase the dream of entrepreneurship "Do what you wanna do" was on my mind. On the way home from my Mom's funeral, I drove alone in my car and listened to "I'll be there" play on the radio telling myself that she wasn't, no couldn't really be gone. And when I forgot my roots, "The Man In the Mirror" reminded me.

True, I was never a "Smooth Criminal" and I never had the chance to officially "Burn the Disco Out", but I was (and still am) a P.Y.T. I know how it feels when "I just can stop loving you" or when I want to tell the world to "Leave Me Alone". And yes, I even knew a "Dirty Diana" lol

Michael Jackson, I'll miss your music and the way you make me feel - no pun intended-when I hear it. Your magic will live on in the hearts of millions forever and your influence will live on through Usher and Cris Brown when they attempt the Moon Walk,and The cast of when Troy & Chad sang and danced to "The Boys are Back" in HSM. Your beats will be sampled forever because you are and will always be the King!

Michael Jackson, Chances are I will cry. But I will remember your encouraging words to "Ease on Down the Road" forever.

Come on and

Ease on down, ease on down the road
Come on, ease on down
Ease on down the road
Don't you carry nothing
That might be a load
Come on, ease on down
Ease on down the road

Come on, ease on down, ease on down the road
Come on, ease on down, ease on down the road
Don't you carry nothing
That might be a load
Come on, ease on down, ease on down, down the road

Pick your left foot up
When your right foot's down
Come on legs keep movin'
Don't you lose no ground
You just keep on keepin'
On the road that you choose
Don't you give up walkin'
'Cause you gave up shoes, no

Ease on down, ease on down the road
Come on, ease on down
Ease on down the road
Don't you carry nothing
That might be a load
Come on, ease on down
Ease on down the road

'Cause there maybe times
When you think you lost your mind
And the steps you're takin'
Leave you three, four steps behind
But the road you're walking
Might be long sometimes
You just keep on steppin'
And you'll just be fine, yeah

Ease on down, ease on down the road
Come on, ease on down
Ease on down the road
Don't you carry nothing
That might be a load
Come on, ease on down
Ease on down the road

Well there maybe times
When you wish you wasn't born
And you wake one morning
Just to find your courage's gone
But just know that feeling
Only last a little while
You stick with us
And we'll show you how to smile, yeah

Get 'em up, goin' down, ease on down
Get 'em up, goin' down, ease on down
Get 'em up, goin' down, ease on down
Get 'em up, get 'em up ease on down

2 Timothy 1:7

God has NOT given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, and love and discipline


Amen!

If you could only imagine how I needed to hear/read that word.

Some Nerve!

Excuse me while I take a minute to vent!!! This will be fast and I promise you will contain NO Curse words...

This morning I received an e-mail from some one suggesting that I hold back some details of my personal life when blogging. They used the words offensive and unnecessary when describing my desire to write about what was going on in my life. They even went as far as saying that I love misery was angry. WOW!

To this person I say this:

First of all, I never even sent you the link to my blog, so the fact that you even read it offends me. Yes, I know that my blog is public and anyone can find it by googling my name, but that's besides the point. If you don't like what I'm saying hit that little X in the top right hand corner of your screen and be gone! As a matter of fact you can even block my blog from ever appearing on your computer.

I will not apologize for anything that I blog about. If you think that my thoughts and feelings are offensive and rude and unnecessary then maybe I'm not the person you thought I was, and perhaps you should re-evaluate our relationship.

You really have some nerve.

No I'm not miserable, and I don't love misery either, and although I go through stuff that makes me unhappy, I am not an angry person.

But I can think of at least one person who is pissing me off right Now!!! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Next time you have a problem with me, call me. Don't send me no e-mail! or better yet come see me about it!. Otherwise keep it moving...

He Provides...

Even when I am at my most stubborn point, when I dismiss everything EVERYONE says, and I completely tune God out and try to do it myself...He Provides.

This time Monday evening we had no reliable means of transportation. Our station wagon was all effed up with two wheel lugs destroyed, and there was something wrong with the brakes on the van. We were screwed - or so I thought.

We were unable to go food shopping, and I couldn't go to class for two days. I felt trapped..and then I got my Summer II and Fall semester bills in the mail - on the same day at that! I could have broke down right there on my porch. I felt the tears building up, but I had Miles in my arms and I didn't want to cry. I silently cried out to God asking "what's Up", "How Much More" and "Why Now?". He didn't answer..or at least I couldn't hear him.

Then today rolled around. After a night of crying and praying I woke up with a headache. I was in no mood to face the day and seriously wanted to stay in the bed. But I got up, and I got on with my day trying to put the events from the past two days behind me. I was exhausted. Early in the morning I received a phone call from Sherman(a mechanic friend of mine, whom I had not spoken to or seen in over a year) he called to see how I was doing. Said he had been praying for me and wanted to check on me. Talk about being On Time!I told him about everything that's been going on and we prayed...right there on the phone, then he told me to get the car in and he'd fix it for us. What a Blessing!

And later in the day a neighbor of ours noticed that the van was parked for the past two days and wanted to know if everything was okay. He's a single dad who is also an out of work mechanic...he took a look at the van, told us what part to get (which cost $12.99)and fixed it for us. He only charged us $40.00... I'm talking about $63 dollars for a Brake Job!

And(now here's the best part y'all) When I get home I look in the mail and find a letter from the college telling me that I qualify for $6,900 in grants..not Loans, GRANTS!

I know someone was praying for my situation. I don't know who, but Thank You! I guess this is God's way of telling/showing me that he's not done with me yet. Even though my worries are not over and sometimes I lack faith, He still provides...

Upside Down

Latley it's felt like my world has been turned upside dowm.

For the past 60+ days I've been struggling to deal with many issues, and now I feel like I'm at my breaking point spritually, mentally, physically and emotionally.

Issues such as finances (struggling to keep up with3, yes THREE mortgages) Business (plans not really going how & where I'd planned) and Family (don't even get me started on Family) are on my mind night and day.

I try to stay positive and thank God for those things that I am grateful for, but as soon as I feel the calm, I'm slapped in the face with yet another problem...another God damned issue!

It's hard, y'all...

At times I feel like giving up...I contemplate filing bankruptcy, not showing up for work and telling my family (all of those crazy bastards) to kiss my ass and go to Hell!... but then something tells me to "hold on".

But as I tighten my grip, weight is added to my shoulders and the pain becomes unbearable..I'm slipping...I'm falling...

What am I supposed to do? What would you do when all of your plans, your dreams, your goals, and even your accomplishments go up in smoke? What do you do when you reach that point where your heart has become hardened and your sprit weakend by the stress and dissapointments? What do you do when that encouraging word or scripture is no longer wanted?? No longer encouraging? What happens when you either can't or don't want to hear God's voice??

The noise is so loud... so consuming.

BUt I have no one to blame but myself. Without seeking God, I prayed for patience, and change. And now I sit in the midst of a storm, waiting for more shit to hit the fan. I sit here in a storm watching things and people change so fast, so much, all at once...I sit here in a storm watching as everything I've worked for get blown away.......

Im at a standstil in my life...Nearly 6 months to my 30th birthday and I feel like I dont have my shit togehter... Like a complete failure.

Signing off...

I'll Be there - State Farm's Commercial

I Love this Commercial...

Evolve...Yeah Right!

"If you only tackle what you know, you'll never grow"

I read these words as I walked into class last Wednesday, and couldn't help but laugh out loud...If you only knew...

Wow! I must be growing cause Lord knows I have no clue what the heck is going on in class. I got my second exam back today and nearly fell out of my seat when I saw the score... A 68?!? what the heck ? It's a shame, but this test was better than the first one, in which I only got a 20...

Stop Laughing, and shaking your head.. It's not funny and I ain't stupid...Yes, I know ain't isn't proper English, but I'm talking 'bout math . LOL

So I'm sitting here wondering what's up... I mean I ain't no dummy...but when it comes to math I loose every time. I just cant figure it out. Yeah I can Count, I can divide and multiply too...but anything outside of that is a loosing battle. But then again, I've never been any good at math. In elementary school I struggled with those stupid greater than and less than signs wondering for hours, no days which number the fish ate first. In middle school I struggled with fractions and figuring out the LCD, in high school it was the Pythagorean theorem... and lets not even talk about sine, cosine and tangent... Help me Jesus!

Over the years I have been encouraged (mostly by math teachers) to get myself a good calculator and use it, but my problem is that I don't even know what half the symbols mean let alone how or when to use them.

Dangit!@ I must have been dropped on the head as a baby... there's no other excuse. I'm good in science (all areas) , and English (although you'd never know since I almost never speak or write in proper English) I can master art and history geography, even psychology...but Math kicks my but each and every chance it gets!

When I married Kyle, I was convinced that my math woes would be over. In fact that was how Kyle and I connected in college. He was a year ahead of me, and knew math like a champ. He taught (or at least tried to teach me) some general math rules like finding the percentage, or the Lowest Common Denominator.... and I helped him with his English papers... One of two things occurred 1) either he wasn't that good of a teacher/tutor, or 2) I was too busy gazing into his light brown eyes... I think it could have been a little bit of both.

In any event I sit here and I wonder what went wrong and when. Why am I not "evolving" when it comes to math?? WHY LORD WHY??? The first day of class had me tricked.. had me thinking that I knew what the teacher was talking about when in reality I'm clueless.

Are You Serious????

I've been having a hard time coming to terms with just how ridiculously stupid some people can be. It's amazing...it really is... and the sad part is that many of these people have children.

Take for example some of the people who come through looking for childcare. Just today, someone came through interested in care for their 10 month old child. I told her that we didn't have any spaces and probably wouldn't be until late June when most of our children leave for the summer.... She seemed to accept that answer. She then went on this long speech about how she is so unhappy with her current daycare provider and has been since January. She claims that they give him food he's allergic to and on and on and on.... she even said that she thinks that there could be some abuse, but wasn't exactly sure on how to address it with the provider... ARE YOU SERIOUS???

First of all, let me tell you this. If my child's teacher/provider knew my child was allergic to something and still gave her the food I would be livid... actually someone would probably be slapped, especially if they became ill. If I thought someone was abusing my child, chances are I would be getting bailed out . only to then Bail Kyle out of jail... And to think that she's been unhappy since January!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS???

So I give her the tour, talk to her about our program, explain her policies, and she's staring at me... Looking at me with that do-do face you know the one when your kid is standing on his/her tippy toes trying to push out a big one... yeah that look...

So I ask her if every thing's okay... and she just looks at me Like I've been speaking Cantonese the entire time... She then asks if she could have the phone numbers of ALL of my parents so that she can call for reference... When I tell her that I don't give out any of my parent's information she gave me another doo-doo face. I tell her that her best reference would probably be the state, since I consider many of the parents here to be friends and she would probably want an unbiased recommendation. So I give her the number to OCD and give her my full name so she can call.

Here we go...another doo doo face... She's apparently not happy with that answer, returns her handbook and all forms back to me, and tells me that she doesn't think that I'm the place for her kid...

I think to myself for a moment and I'm relived that I dodged that bullet... I don't think I could properly care for a kid that they're parents didn't properly care for. I mean who leaves their child somewhere for 6 months when they suspect abuse of all things... ARE YOU SERIOUS?? WAS I JUST PUNK'D??

The Haircut

Today, We took miles to have his first Haircut.

Yes, The boy is almost 30 months old, but Kyle's family has a tradition that children don't get their hair cut until they are at least 2 years old, and using full sentences... Miles was officially eligible for his first haircut a few months ago, but we wanted to wait until it was a little warmer out.

Sooooo, this morning we woke up, ate breakfast and explained to miles what was about to go down. He seemed to be okay with it, he even said un-huh when we asked him if he was going to get a haircut today. After breakfast and 50 +minutes of everyone getting ready we went to The Hair Cuttery on Roosevelt Boulevard. We walked in, told the lady what we wanted and she went straight to work.

First , they washed and conditioned his hair really good with Paul Mitchell Products (who does he think he is??). By now we had a bit of a fan base growing with all the older Hispanic women complementing him on his behaviour (if they only knew) his curly hair and even his eye lashes... Oh Give me a break

Then, it was time to comb it out. He was unusually calm. Normally when I'm trying to do anything to his hair, he's squirming around, trying to change the subject, asking for stuff... but today he was just chilling.

And then came the First Cut! I seriously thought I was going to crap my pants. I mean, I knew what we were here for, but I wasn't expecting it to really happen. It's like he's really a big boy now. Part of me wanted to cry while the other part of me wanted to choke the woman for cutting his hair. Yes, It was an emotional event for me....

A Few More Cuts .... Gina - the stylist - was great! She encouraged Miles all the way telling him that he would be handsomer than he already was, and that no one would recognize the new little man when he walked in the door. If your kid ever needs a scissor cut, I highly recommend Gina! VERY PROFESSIONAL!!

And still more cutting - Look at how calm he looks... Show OFF! - Yes I know the picture is not in focus!

And now look at my baby boy! Looking like a real live little man. Its amazing to see him transform right before my eyes. I mean, he literally went from looking like 2 year old to looking like a four year old in a matter of minutes

Okay, So It's NOT a Beaver!

But It ain't no rat either.

For the past few months I've been going around telling people that there's a beaver in my yard...and of course I get those strange looks, like the one PoppaWheel gave me this morning. Well, I have proof. Unfortunately my proof only proves me wrong. It's not a Beaver, its a Ground Hog, and It's a Big Boy Too!


The first time I saw it (a few months ago) I thought it was a small capybara... Please Stop Laughing.. I'm serious. I had watched something on Animal Planet the night before about the World's Biggest Rodents and I was Freaked Out! Once I determined It wasn't a capybara I was convinced that it was a Beaver. That was until today. I was able to get close up (well as close as I would allow myself) and take a good look at this bad boy. Once I gave it a good look over I realized that the flat tail, and buck teeth were absent...and it looked more like that thing they grab out of the ground every February.

Hey, It's a Groundhog.

Good Night Fishy, Fishy....

Here Fishy Fishy... You were a priceless addition to the Fleming Family, well actually you costs 14 bucks a piece, a price I still can't believe I paid for a Fish I wasn't going to eat. When I saw you at Pet smart you looked like all of the other fish in the water - your tail fin wiggled from side to side, you swam fast to avoid the net, your eyes were bugged out and your lips were pucked as if you were blowing me a kiss.

I'm sorry that your life ended so abruptly. That boy can be so sweet at times and so devious at other times....He didn't know what he was doing, he thought that maybe you needed some hanitizer (as he calls it) he just didn't know that you wouldn't need a whole bottle. I'm sorry that I didn't explain to the girl that leaving the lamp on ALL the time could cause the water temperature to rise to a level that would leave you uncomfortable - especially with all that alcohol floating in the water...

Their intentions were well, but what can I say- - they're not that advanced when it comes to caring for fish.... and apparently neither am I - - I didn't even bother to give you a name...I just called you FISH!

I'll turn off the lamp, and stop staring at you, and since your last few days as a Fleming were excruciatingly painful I'll let you die in peace. I'll do my best to give you a proper burial and I promise not to flush you down the toilet, so long as you promise not to haunt my dreams or house.

Good Night Fishy Fishy...

Go Back to The Projects!!!

Have You ever wanted to shout "Go back to da projects!" to one of your neighbors?

Well, I came REALLY close to it last night...

The Kids were finally asleep, and I'm trying to enjoy some Law and Order when all of the sudden I heard what sounded like a prison break. My neighbors a few houses down were standing in the middle of the street with what looked like crow bars and pipes in their hands...They (who are all above the age of consent, and reason) were standing in their cut offs, and wife beaters (and no Bras of course...yummy) cussing and carrying on. All you hear is F this, and You B That, and M - effer this, and Imma Kick this, and Imma do that. It was ridiculous!

Apparently, there was a group of girls down at the corner that they wanted to fight but were too afraid to confront. So they stood there provoking (or at least trying to) these girls. I go out to gather my lawn tools (I don't want my fingerprints on any shovel or rake used in an incident- I really already have enough crap to worry about, a conviction is not welcome!) and I notice that this group of girls are all WOMEN! most of them my age, and some older, the group even included a few grandmas (you know the ones that are grandma's at like 32) and their loud mouth rowdy rowdy piper kids...

What I don't get is this: If you wanna fight someone so bad why not just do it?? I mean I'm not by nature the type of person who will just run up and hit someone (even though I have in the past), but I ain't no punk either! I'm just saying... My motto is very simple, don't argue with or threaten someone you ain't ready to fight. The other thing I don't understand is why you gotta bring all that drama to the front of your house... Whaddyaretahded?? I mean for real ain't there some saying about not shi**ing where you sleep??

All I'm saying is take that project mentality (the brass knuckles, pipes, and cutoffs) back to the projects with pookie and man-man. It ain't welcome here