The first thing that comes to mind is wow! where did the year go?
As the two thousand and ten draws to an end I must admit that I am a little disappointed. I almost feel as though I could have done so much more this year to make my life - and the lives around me - more fulfilling. This year had its highlights. I reconnected with my sister, and we've maintained a pretty decent relationship (which is a good thing compared to how we were in 2009). In 2010, I lost friends and gained friends. I lost money - lots of money- and made plenty of poor decisions. I've lost control more times than I can count, and at times I've shut down, and kept loved ones out. I learned many new things: how to make an apple pie from scratch, how to poach an egg, and that I was tough enough to make a roller derby team, I wore a leather corset and purple eyeliner. I ran a 5K, I cussed, I screamed, I hollered, I stormed out and I've cried - a lot. I learned to set boundaries, to say NO without guilt, and to stand my ground. I learned a great deal about myself. I learned to accept a compliment. I blogged, I vlogged, I laughed and I cried. I wrote and published a book,and I even overcame a lifelong fear and took a swim class.
2010 was indeed a great year for me.
But, it seems that with every highlight came a blow. I have virtually no relationship with my in-laws (which I can't really say is a bad thing) , and after being stabbed in the back by someone very close to me, I'm no longer able to trust. I question people's motives, their reasons for being in my life, and sometimes all this questioning leaves me questioning my own sanity.
I know what I want from life, but it seems lately that I have a very hard time stepping out of my "box" to achieve it. With all the confidence I've gained I feel so unsure of myself lately. When I was a the top of my game I had the rug pulled from under me.. and now I question every move - sometimes afraid to make a move. Its depressing feeling this way.
Ive stopped caring for things and people the way I used to, thinking that at any moment it can be gone, so to avoid the heartache I pretend not to care(this is the first time I've actually come to terms with these feelings, so if they're all over the place, forgive me)...
I no longer know what to expect.its almost as if I no longer care to expect anything anyways... But I know I gotta get out of this funk. I have to shake this mood. My life depends on it. My sanity depends on it. This is NOT a cry for help. there are many voices in my head, but the one that's the loudest reminds me that I CAN do it. It (as silly as it sounds) holds my hand and shows me the way when I feel down and out. I KNOW that I'm capable, that I'm SMART (book & street). I can recognize my talents and I know my limitations. And even though there may be times where my cheering section gets thin -as it did this year- I know that people are watching and they are proud of my accomplishments.
So, this year instead of making many resolutions I'll just make one. I resolve to continue listening to that voice. The one that knows me best, that lights my path and guides my way, and with that inner reassurance I will be a better person.
