Today is my Mom's Birthday. She would have been 51 today.
She died.
June would be 3 years that she's been gone.
May (Mother's day) is kinda hard for me. I don't know why, but it is. My mother & I never had a close relationship... Quite honestly we never had a relationship at all. I guess I'm dealing with a mixed bag of emotions today. I'm kinda sad that she's gone, but relieved that she is.. When I say that don't just assume I'm some kind of terrible person who finds pleasure in death, that's not the case. My mom (wow, I don't think I've used that word in forever to describe her) had been on drugs since I was 7 years old - her death is a relief to me. I know that she's in a better place (She did get right with God before her passing). I dunno...I'm rambling... I'm getting emotional,and I'm done.
Happy Birthday Mom!
Monday, April 26, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Let's hear it for New York
Composed Sunday April 18, 2010
Posted Today (I'm tired, and have no Idea what today's date is..I do know it's Thursday though)
9:57 am
I'm singing "the streets will make you feel brand new, the lights will inspire you, let's hear it for New York"
Posted Today (I'm tired, and have no Idea what today's date is..I do know it's Thursday though)
9:57 am
I'm singing "the streets will make you feel brand new, the lights will inspire you, let's hear it for New York"
They say "if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere"...today was my first chance to see if I could intact make it in NY. I boarded the greyhound bus with nothing more than my camera, a bottle of water some bubble yum (grape of course) I.D., cab fare, my iPod and apprehension. I'd been to NY plenty of times,but never by myself and definitely not into the city alone... my plan was to get to Greenwich village and Tribeca, take atleast 500 pictures, have a random conversation with a complete stranger (if you really know me, you know I generally keep to myself) and eat something different... I'm excited and a bit annoyed (the woman in the seat behind me is kicking the seat) and my first piece of bubble yum is beginning to loose it's flavor, but overall I'm optimistic. more to follow.....
6:31pm
after a full day of walking around new york, I think it's fair to say that I'm quite the trooper. I was able to do all that j set out to do, plus more. I hailed a taxi (first time EVER!), got on a NY city subway, walked 15 miles saw sited that were on my to-see list (empire state bldg., WTC site, grand central station, bowling green bull, wall street, battery park, south street seaport, and many others). overall I had a wonderful experience took some great pictures and learned something about myself...actually two things. I learned that when I put my mind to something I can do it. I learned or maybe I should say I realized that I'm not careless as so many people call me... in fact I'm fearless... Now, don't get me wrong, there are many. things that I am afraid of, but generally speaking I don't allow fear or the uncertain stop me from doing something. I really like that about myself... so if there's any one thing I come back from NY with is the
knowledge that yes, I can make it anywhere...
Bottled up...
Alright..I'm better now.
I seriously had to take some time to think about my words (and actions) before posting another blog.
Here's a quick update:
1) We Found our stolen van.. whoever stole it completely trashed it. They were smoking weed, eating peanut shells and God knows what else in it... *damn shame* They hit something because, the car has extensive front end damage, and they left it in the middle of the Roosevelt boulevard (a state highway here in philly)... We found it as we were returning from the bus station (I went to new York to take Pictures)..We were driving down the road, and Kyle says..."is that our van?", I look at the license plates, and sure enough it was our van... We called the police and waited for TWO hours, and no one ever showed. We eventually left, only to wake p on Sunday to do it all over again...sigh... Sunday rolls around and we get breakfast, call the police, and sit & wait... they finally showed after another two hours, and we are then able to get the vehicle towed by AAA. What an experience.
I feel like I was victimized twice. Once by the car thieves, and again by the Philadelphia Police Department.. I mean the car was PARKED ON A FRIGGIN HIGHWAY!! RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE! Its illegal for me to park at an expired meter,m so I assume that its illegal to park in the middle of the highway... oh, my..
I'm thinking of a way to write a letter to the Police Commissioner as well as the Mayor telling them that I am totally disgusted in the way my tax dollars are being spent. ... the trick is finding a way to word it without getting locked up, or cited...
2) I went to NY.. FINALLY.. I took the greyhound bus, and made my way to NY for a day of photography... I will write about my experience, as well as post pictures, in another posting.. so, stay tuned...
3) I dyed my hair.. AGAIN.. Yeah, I'm kinda addicted to dying my hair and will probably do it 4 - 6 times (if not more) in a single year...I'm trying to take pictures of the new color, and will post them as well... Hair Dye, finger Nail Polish, Handbags, Tattoos... and Junk food.. are my vices.. Love me or leave me.. just don't judge me...
I guess that's it...
I seriously had to take some time to think about my words (and actions) before posting another blog.
Here's a quick update:
1) We Found our stolen van.. whoever stole it completely trashed it. They were smoking weed, eating peanut shells and God knows what else in it... *damn shame* They hit something because, the car has extensive front end damage, and they left it in the middle of the Roosevelt boulevard (a state highway here in philly)... We found it as we were returning from the bus station (I went to new York to take Pictures)..We were driving down the road, and Kyle says..."is that our van?", I look at the license plates, and sure enough it was our van... We called the police and waited for TWO hours, and no one ever showed. We eventually left, only to wake p on Sunday to do it all over again...sigh... Sunday rolls around and we get breakfast, call the police, and sit & wait... they finally showed after another two hours, and we are then able to get the vehicle towed by AAA. What an experience.
I feel like I was victimized twice. Once by the car thieves, and again by the Philadelphia Police Department.. I mean the car was PARKED ON A FRIGGIN HIGHWAY!! RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE! Its illegal for me to park at an expired meter,m so I assume that its illegal to park in the middle of the highway... oh, my..
I'm thinking of a way to write a letter to the Police Commissioner as well as the Mayor telling them that I am totally disgusted in the way my tax dollars are being spent. ... the trick is finding a way to word it without getting locked up, or cited...
2) I went to NY.. FINALLY.. I took the greyhound bus, and made my way to NY for a day of photography... I will write about my experience, as well as post pictures, in another posting.. so, stay tuned...
3) I dyed my hair.. AGAIN.. Yeah, I'm kinda addicted to dying my hair and will probably do it 4 - 6 times (if not more) in a single year...I'm trying to take pictures of the new color, and will post them as well... Hair Dye, finger Nail Polish, Handbags, Tattoos... and Junk food.. are my vices.. Love me or leave me.. just don't judge me...
I guess that's it...
Friday, April 16, 2010
No more...PLEASE!
So far the month of April has been terrible.
It all started with the heat! I usually like warmer weather, but I don’t care for 80 degree nights in April. I’m more of a 70 degree with a slight breeze kinda gal... and THEN someone stole $200 from me. I guess that was my fault. A parent paid their tuition, and instead of putting it in the cash box or even in my pocket, I placed it on the side of my computer where I thought no one would see it, or at the very least no one would steal it. Two days later we’re rushing Zoe to the ER because she can’t move her legs (it was just leg spasms), five days after that Miles comes down with a terrible cold, and he’s loosing sleep, and then today, someone stole the Daycare Van. Yep, you read it right. Someone stole the minivan. It was parked in the same spot we’ve always parked it, but when I came in this morning it was gone… no broken glass, no tire marks, and strewn papers. Nothing…but an empty parking spot.
I’ve been trying to put myself in the mindset that God has me exactly where he wants me, but its really getting hard to believe (or should I say believe) that way when so many things seem to be going bad at once. Now, granted I should be thankful, and I am - My kids are healthy (for the most part), my home is safe, and things could be a lot worse, but I just feel so drained. It’s like hit after hit.
And now, my necklace just popped!
It all started with the heat! I usually like warmer weather, but I don’t care for 80 degree nights in April. I’m more of a 70 degree with a slight breeze kinda gal... and THEN someone stole $200 from me. I guess that was my fault. A parent paid their tuition, and instead of putting it in the cash box or even in my pocket, I placed it on the side of my computer where I thought no one would see it, or at the very least no one would steal it. Two days later we’re rushing Zoe to the ER because she can’t move her legs (it was just leg spasms), five days after that Miles comes down with a terrible cold, and he’s loosing sleep, and then today, someone stole the Daycare Van. Yep, you read it right. Someone stole the minivan. It was parked in the same spot we’ve always parked it, but when I came in this morning it was gone… no broken glass, no tire marks, and strewn papers. Nothing…but an empty parking spot.
I’ve been trying to put myself in the mindset that God has me exactly where he wants me, but its really getting hard to believe (or should I say believe) that way when so many things seem to be going bad at once. Now, granted I should be thankful, and I am - My kids are healthy (for the most part), my home is safe, and things could be a lot worse, but I just feel so drained. It’s like hit after hit.
And now, my necklace just popped!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
No Apologies...
You’ve put me through a lot
You’ve caused me lots of pain
My heart aches just thinking about it
Yet, No apologies…
You’ve called me bad names,
Spoken to me in unthinkable ways
Demanded from me unfairly
Yet, no apologies…
You talk to me however you choose,
You push me and pull me,
You expect me to “perform”,
Yet, no apologies…
You say you love me,
You tell me you care,
You treat me like I’m special,
Yet, NO APOLOGIES…
You’ve caused me lots of pain
My heart aches just thinking about it
Yet, No apologies…
You’ve called me bad names,
Spoken to me in unthinkable ways
Demanded from me unfairly
Yet, no apologies…
You talk to me however you choose,
You push me and pull me,
You expect me to “perform”,
Yet, no apologies…
You say you love me,
You tell me you care,
You treat me like I’m special,
Yet, NO APOLOGIES…
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Stepping on toes...
Watch out.. I'm stepping on toes...
Two headed monster with Chameleon hearts… That’s what I call people who live their lives in total contradiction. I just don’t get it. Either act one way or act another. Don’t go around talking about how much you honor and respect the sanctity of marriage and then hang out with adulterers. Don’t say you don’t drink, but hang out at bars. Don’t tell me how I should organize stuff, when everything is tossed in a corner at your place.
I drink. My house is a mess. I listen to music with profanity. I even use profanity myself at times. I spend my money on things that I don’t need. I eat a lot of junk food, and I drink way too much soda. But, I keep it real. I don’t say one thing and do another... Yes, My shit stinks!
If you cheat on your spouse, I can't get down with you - all cool points are gone...I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with you if you choose to hang around cheaters, while drinking cranberry juice at the local watering hole, (sounds like a Wayans Brother's Movie) but please don’t say you feel one way and then act another…
I’m just saying….
Two headed monster with Chameleon hearts… That’s what I call people who live their lives in total contradiction. I just don’t get it. Either act one way or act another. Don’t go around talking about how much you honor and respect the sanctity of marriage and then hang out with adulterers. Don’t say you don’t drink, but hang out at bars. Don’t tell me how I should organize stuff, when everything is tossed in a corner at your place.
I drink. My house is a mess. I listen to music with profanity. I even use profanity myself at times. I spend my money on things that I don’t need. I eat a lot of junk food, and I drink way too much soda. But, I keep it real. I don’t say one thing and do another... Yes, My shit stinks!
If you cheat on your spouse, I can't get down with you - all cool points are gone...I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with you if you choose to hang around cheaters, while drinking cranberry juice at the local watering hole, (sounds like a Wayans Brother's Movie) but please don’t say you feel one way and then act another…
I’m just saying….
Monday, April 12, 2010
I Don't mean to be rude, BUT....
Get your kid & get out!
When its time for you to leave, I’d appreciate it if you actually left. Why? Why do you insist on sitting in my face for an additional 25 minutes talking me to about dumb irrelevant shit?!? Do you really think I want to know about how nice it is outside, or how you spent your damn day off? GTFOH!!! In the words of Martin “You ain't gotta go home, but you gotta get the hell up out of here”… It’s not time to do your kid’s hair, change their clothes or relieve your damn bowels. GET OUT!
Forgive me, but I get to a point in the day when I running out of steam… (normally around 5:30, or so). The music starts sounding like chipmunk chatter, their voices start sounding like forks grinding on plates, and I’m really ready to go home.. IVE BEEN HERE SINCE 6:45AM!. Why can’t you get it through your skull that I am close to snapping point? Oh, yeah.. I still have to go home cook dinner, play wife, spend some one on one time with my own kids, and try to recharge so I can do it all over again… AAARRRGGHHHHH! I really don’t need you staring in my face waiting for an answer to your stupid question… now, I don’t mean to be rude, but please… get your kid and get to steppin’…
When its time for you to leave, I’d appreciate it if you actually left. Why? Why do you insist on sitting in my face for an additional 25 minutes talking me to about dumb irrelevant shit?!? Do you really think I want to know about how nice it is outside, or how you spent your damn day off? GTFOH!!! In the words of Martin “You ain't gotta go home, but you gotta get the hell up out of here”… It’s not time to do your kid’s hair, change their clothes or relieve your damn bowels. GET OUT!
Forgive me, but I get to a point in the day when I running out of steam… (normally around 5:30, or so). The music starts sounding like chipmunk chatter, their voices start sounding like forks grinding on plates, and I’m really ready to go home.. IVE BEEN HERE SINCE 6:45AM!. Why can’t you get it through your skull that I am close to snapping point? Oh, yeah.. I still have to go home cook dinner, play wife, spend some one on one time with my own kids, and try to recharge so I can do it all over again… AAARRRGGHHHHH! I really don’t need you staring in my face waiting for an answer to your stupid question… now, I don’t mean to be rude, but please… get your kid and get to steppin’…
Burning at both ends...
I realized after I wrote the title that "burning at both ends" could mean a number of things, but please believe me when I tell you that the only thing that's burning at both ends (or any ends for that much) is a candle....
Today has been one of those days.
I realized at about 7:00am that I had alot to do and very little time to get it done. Ever since I decided to leave work at work, I've been falling behind on alot of projects. Add that to the fact that I've taken on a new business venture, and all hell has broken loose in terms of organization.
Monday - Friday I'm running the daycare...marketing, managing,interacting, acting, cleaning, cleaning again, receipts, invoices, collections.. at times, I forget which hat I have on and end up talking to people about stuff that has nothing to do with them..
Thursday - Sunday I'm running a Photography Business...shooting, posing, cropping, fixing, printing, selling, convincing...
I'm exhausted. Sometimes I'm working into the wee hours of the morning, sometimes, I'm dreaming about working - you ever have those dreams where you're at work?
Can a sistah get a ay off?!?!
Today has been one of those days.
I realized at about 7:00am that I had alot to do and very little time to get it done. Ever since I decided to leave work at work, I've been falling behind on alot of projects. Add that to the fact that I've taken on a new business venture, and all hell has broken loose in terms of organization.
Monday - Friday I'm running the daycare...marketing, managing,interacting, acting, cleaning, cleaning again, receipts, invoices, collections.. at times, I forget which hat I have on and end up talking to people about stuff that has nothing to do with them..
Thursday - Sunday I'm running a Photography Business...shooting, posing, cropping, fixing, printing, selling, convincing...
I'm exhausted. Sometimes I'm working into the wee hours of the morning, sometimes, I'm dreaming about working - you ever have those dreams where you're at work?
Can a sistah get a ay off?!?!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
What the letter F!
I'm still cracking up at Miles' new saying... Trust me I never ever ever said those words (at least not strung together in the same phrase) before... I truly don't know where he gets this stuff from.Anyways, I did another installment of self-loc maintenance and when I got up from under the dryer to look in the mirror, all I could think was "what the Letter F!"...
Don't get me wrong, I think I did an awesome job, but I can't figure out why my hair ALWAYS decides to stick out like antenna. No matter what I do, my hair wants to shoot God.... oh, wait, don't go getting all offended, Shooting God just means that hair is sticking up, my hair is not the debil...
So, Here are some pics of the end result...
By the way, why does it always look like one of my eyes are bigger than the other?? I need to get that checked out...
CHOP-ing at the bit...
CHOP-ing at the bit...
I'm blogging from the emergency room of childrens hospital at 1:17am.
Zoe's knees (yes,both of them) locked up on her and became very
painful... I'm so very tired. I've been up since 8:00 this morning
working!! we've bee here since midnight and have yet to be seen. did I
mention that miles is running around touching all over EVERYTHING! I
could so smack him. I'm looking at the nurses, they're looking back at
me. I'm looking at the other patients trying to see who's been here
and who has already been ...wait hold up, they just called us in....
okay, so they did the preliminary check and they'll be back with some
pain relief..Zoe's lying down and miles Kyle and I are taking turns
trying to get comfortable... it's a darn good thing I brought some
DVDs and an even better that the rooms have VCR/DVD players... were
watching G.I. Joe... yeah, I'm always prepared... so I guess I just
have to sit and wait... wait and see..see what's up...
God always seems to have me right where he wants me.
update will follow
-Trish 1:41am
sent from my iPod Touch
Friday, April 9, 2010
Speak The Truth in Love - Ephesians 4:15
The other day someone accused me of being “mean” when asked what I thought about a particular situation. I’m usually one for taking criticism very well, but I had never been called mean before (at least not by an adult), so I was thrown off a little. I asked them to elaborate on why I was “Mean” for speaking my mind and they responded by telling me that what I said was not out of love/or in a loving way….which got me to thinking….
I’m a very honest person, I’m also very opinionated. I speak my mind, I think I’m always right and I love a good debate. But, I DON’T always speak the truth in love… If you ask me how something looks I’ll tell you the truth, even if I think it makes you look stupid. If you ask my opinion I’ll give it to you, even if it makes you uncomfortable... Why?, you ask.. Because I would hate to be the friend that let you go around thinking that you would become the Next American Idol, that you should quit your day job and become a poet, or that those tacky white patent leather espadrilles go with those peach capri’s… and I would expect people to do the same for me.
Have I crossed the line?, maybe...but I think that sometimes you have to be stern (and maybe even mean) to get the point across. I honestly don’t believe that love is always gentle. If it was why would a parent discipline their kid and say I’m doing this because I love you??? You see my point (yes, it may be skewed, but it’s MY point)… Yeah, I’ll admit, I do need to work on my tact, but I don’t think that I should start sugar coating stuff just to make it an easier pill for you to swallow.
How about a compromise. You understand that sometimes things come out mean, but I’m telling you this because I love you, and in return I’ll try (and I say that through clenched teeth) to be a little more mindful that not everyone has thick skin, and perhaps I should be a little more “loving” in my delivery.
I’m a very honest person, I’m also very opinionated. I speak my mind, I think I’m always right and I love a good debate. But, I DON’T always speak the truth in love… If you ask me how something looks I’ll tell you the truth, even if I think it makes you look stupid. If you ask my opinion I’ll give it to you, even if it makes you uncomfortable... Why?, you ask.. Because I would hate to be the friend that let you go around thinking that you would become the Next American Idol, that you should quit your day job and become a poet, or that those tacky white patent leather espadrilles go with those peach capri’s… and I would expect people to do the same for me.
Have I crossed the line?, maybe...but I think that sometimes you have to be stern (and maybe even mean) to get the point across. I honestly don’t believe that love is always gentle. If it was why would a parent discipline their kid and say I’m doing this because I love you??? You see my point (yes, it may be skewed, but it’s MY point)… Yeah, I’ll admit, I do need to work on my tact, but I don’t think that I should start sugar coating stuff just to make it an easier pill for you to swallow.
How about a compromise. You understand that sometimes things come out mean, but I’m telling you this because I love you, and in return I’ll try (and I say that through clenched teeth) to be a little more mindful that not everyone has thick skin, and perhaps I should be a little more “loving” in my delivery.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
"Not What I expected..."
“Not quite what I expected”
If you’re like me, I’m sure you’ve said or at least thought this before:
“Not what I expected…”
Be it a book, a new CD, or a conversation, we’ve all had that moment when we’ve been disappointed…maybe even felt slighted. But have you ever examined your expectations? And better yet, how do you think you live up to the expectations of others?
This question comes as a result of a friend sharing some news with me that I found quite disturbing…She expressed her dissatisfaction in a particular service she was or was not receiving. Instead of her criticism being taken and used to provide better service, my friend was accused of having “unrealistic expectations of people”.
Wow! I wasn’t expecting that…
I must admit… I expect a lot from people whom I feel some sense of connection to. I expect my children to obey. I expect my husband to honor our wedding vows, I expect my employee(s) to perform in accordance with their job description, and I expect people to understand that I have expectations and that I set my standards high…
But, Now I’m left wondering what exactly makes an expectation unrealistic or unreasonable? And does having expectations and holding others (and yourself) accountable go hand in hand? Do our expectations change with our circumstances? Our goals? I expect that answers will vary.
Let me share a story with you…
My mother abandoned my sister and I when we were both very young – well, actually that’s not the whole truth. My mother was bipolar, and became heavily dependent on street drugs. She was selling things from our home to support her drug habit, and her actions, and behavior became very destructible…no place to raise young girls (or any child for that much). My dad relocated us (my sister and I) I was 7 , she was 1. My mom NEVER (not even once) reached out to us, or attempted to get herself clean so that she could be a mother to us, therefore (in my mind) we were abandoned… anyways… between the ages of 7 and 14 my dad had a string (and I mean string) of girlfriends. None of which exemplified what many would consider characteristics becoming of a lady. They were crass, they were crude, they were vulgar, they were deceptive, and they were unfaithful. The few that I thought I could confide in proved me wrong…
As a result, my expectations of people, specifically females, were skewed. To me they could not be trusted, they were all the same, and I never gave them a chance to prove otherwise… Now let’s fast-forward 10 years… I have NO female friends, not even aquiantenances, and I’m working as an Office Manager in an office of ALL women – pure hell! From the outside, I got my stuff together – a well paying job, I own a home, I’m driving a new car, I’m married, I have a beautiful child…. But on the inside I’m falling apart…something’s missing. Did I mention that I was working in an office of all women? All whom were exhibiting the same qualities (or lack of qualities) that I saw in my dad’s girlfriends- they’re talking about one another, and then smiling in each other’s faces, instead of uplifting one another they’re looking for and pouncing on each other’s insecurities. It was so annoying.
And then I met Terry Davis.
Right off the bat I could see that she was different, but it took me a few months to realize what. For starters she carried herself in a much more “dignified” way. She spoke softly and controlled her anger. She uplifted and encouraged. She was Christian…
*sidebar* Please don’t be led to think that I believe Christians to be the only ones capable of carrying themselves in a dignified manner, or controlling their anger, or uplifting and encouraging. I know countless men and women who practice diverse religions, and act “right”, just as I know many Christians who “miss the mark” terribly.
I had known Christians before, but I had never met someone who professed their love for Jesus, and actually “acted Christ-like”. Never… One of the things that Terry taught me (and still reminds me on a daily basis through her e-mails, texts, and phone calls) is that God holds us to a HIGHER standard…and that we are therefore charged with holding one another accountable… She taught me that we should have expectations of others, just as we should want and expect from God… Contrary to my belief, expecting from God was rude, but she reminded me of that ALL the difficulties that are brought forward as keeping us back from full salvation, have their cause in this one thing: the defective knowledge and practice of waiting and expecting upon God.
There was nothing wrong with having expectations. That was my ah-a moment….
Terry Davis allowed me to change my expectations of people (including women). Yeah, there are women who disrespect themselves and others… but I have learned to realize that those few do not represent the whole… So back to my original question:
What makes our expectations unrealistic?
Albert Ellis, noted psychotherapist (yep, I studied Psychology too) has said, "Where is it written that others must act the way we want them to. It may be preferable, but not necessary."
So riddle me this…
What do you expect from your child’s teacher? Do you expect that your child will be educated, safe, nurtured academically, respected and valued? Do you expect a certain level of professionalism?
What about your friends? What do you expect from them? Do you expect them to be loyal? To encourage you? To share in life’s ups and downs?
What about your church leaders?
What about your parents?
What about yourself?
What about me?
Over the past 10 years, I’ve learned a lot about how people operate, and one of the things that I learned is that people don’t respond well to criticism… especially when you tell them that they failed to meet your expectations… They tend to throw the “your expectations of people are unrealistic” card in your face. EVEN THOUGH they instill in you that you can depend on them.
Your parents tell you that they love you and that they’re there for you, no matter what but tell them you’re homosexual. Tell them that you’re dropping out of college AGAIN. Tell them that you’re pregnant at 16. Will they live up to what they’ve promised or will they fail to meet your expectations?
What about your church leaders? What happens when they fail to lead you spiritually, when their actions or deeds become different from their sermons? What happens when they preach “works” but fail to participate? What happens when they promise confidence, yet preach about Sarah being unfertile while eyeballing you? Have they failed to meet your expectations?
Where does that leave you? Do you stop expecting? Do you stop caring? Does that guard go back up? Do you stop holding yourself and others accountable?
Just a thought…
If you’re like me, I’m sure you’ve said or at least thought this before:
“Not what I expected…”
Be it a book, a new CD, or a conversation, we’ve all had that moment when we’ve been disappointed…maybe even felt slighted. But have you ever examined your expectations? And better yet, how do you think you live up to the expectations of others?
This question comes as a result of a friend sharing some news with me that I found quite disturbing…She expressed her dissatisfaction in a particular service she was or was not receiving. Instead of her criticism being taken and used to provide better service, my friend was accused of having “unrealistic expectations of people”.
Wow! I wasn’t expecting that…
I must admit… I expect a lot from people whom I feel some sense of connection to. I expect my children to obey. I expect my husband to honor our wedding vows, I expect my employee(s) to perform in accordance with their job description, and I expect people to understand that I have expectations and that I set my standards high…
But, Now I’m left wondering what exactly makes an expectation unrealistic or unreasonable? And does having expectations and holding others (and yourself) accountable go hand in hand? Do our expectations change with our circumstances? Our goals? I expect that answers will vary.
Let me share a story with you…
My mother abandoned my sister and I when we were both very young – well, actually that’s not the whole truth. My mother was bipolar, and became heavily dependent on street drugs. She was selling things from our home to support her drug habit, and her actions, and behavior became very destructible…no place to raise young girls (or any child for that much). My dad relocated us (my sister and I) I was 7 , she was 1. My mom NEVER (not even once) reached out to us, or attempted to get herself clean so that she could be a mother to us, therefore (in my mind) we were abandoned… anyways… between the ages of 7 and 14 my dad had a string (and I mean string) of girlfriends. None of which exemplified what many would consider characteristics becoming of a lady. They were crass, they were crude, they were vulgar, they were deceptive, and they were unfaithful. The few that I thought I could confide in proved me wrong…
As a result, my expectations of people, specifically females, were skewed. To me they could not be trusted, they were all the same, and I never gave them a chance to prove otherwise… Now let’s fast-forward 10 years… I have NO female friends, not even aquiantenances, and I’m working as an Office Manager in an office of ALL women – pure hell! From the outside, I got my stuff together – a well paying job, I own a home, I’m driving a new car, I’m married, I have a beautiful child…. But on the inside I’m falling apart…something’s missing. Did I mention that I was working in an office of all women? All whom were exhibiting the same qualities (or lack of qualities) that I saw in my dad’s girlfriends- they’re talking about one another, and then smiling in each other’s faces, instead of uplifting one another they’re looking for and pouncing on each other’s insecurities. It was so annoying.
And then I met Terry Davis.
Right off the bat I could see that she was different, but it took me a few months to realize what. For starters she carried herself in a much more “dignified” way. She spoke softly and controlled her anger. She uplifted and encouraged. She was Christian…
*sidebar* Please don’t be led to think that I believe Christians to be the only ones capable of carrying themselves in a dignified manner, or controlling their anger, or uplifting and encouraging. I know countless men and women who practice diverse religions, and act “right”, just as I know many Christians who “miss the mark” terribly.
I had known Christians before, but I had never met someone who professed their love for Jesus, and actually “acted Christ-like”. Never… One of the things that Terry taught me (and still reminds me on a daily basis through her e-mails, texts, and phone calls) is that God holds us to a HIGHER standard…and that we are therefore charged with holding one another accountable… She taught me that we should have expectations of others, just as we should want and expect from God… Contrary to my belief, expecting from God was rude, but she reminded me of that ALL the difficulties that are brought forward as keeping us back from full salvation, have their cause in this one thing: the defective knowledge and practice of waiting and expecting upon God.
There was nothing wrong with having expectations. That was my ah-a moment….
Terry Davis allowed me to change my expectations of people (including women). Yeah, there are women who disrespect themselves and others… but I have learned to realize that those few do not represent the whole… So back to my original question:
What makes our expectations unrealistic?
Albert Ellis, noted psychotherapist (yep, I studied Psychology too) has said, "Where is it written that others must act the way we want them to. It may be preferable, but not necessary."
So riddle me this…
What do you expect from your child’s teacher? Do you expect that your child will be educated, safe, nurtured academically, respected and valued? Do you expect a certain level of professionalism?
What about your friends? What do you expect from them? Do you expect them to be loyal? To encourage you? To share in life’s ups and downs?
What about your church leaders?
What about your parents?
What about yourself?
What about me?
Over the past 10 years, I’ve learned a lot about how people operate, and one of the things that I learned is that people don’t respond well to criticism… especially when you tell them that they failed to meet your expectations… They tend to throw the “your expectations of people are unrealistic” card in your face. EVEN THOUGH they instill in you that you can depend on them.
Your parents tell you that they love you and that they’re there for you, no matter what but tell them you’re homosexual. Tell them that you’re dropping out of college AGAIN. Tell them that you’re pregnant at 16. Will they live up to what they’ve promised or will they fail to meet your expectations?
What about your church leaders? What happens when they fail to lead you spiritually, when their actions or deeds become different from their sermons? What happens when they preach “works” but fail to participate? What happens when they promise confidence, yet preach about Sarah being unfertile while eyeballing you? Have they failed to meet your expectations?
Where does that leave you? Do you stop expecting? Do you stop caring? Does that guard go back up? Do you stop holding yourself and others accountable?
Just a thought…
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