I need a new inner circle...

I said I wouldn't complain, so don't read into this posting as such. 

I'm just stating the obvious.  I need a new inner circle.  To be completley honest, my current "circle" is a little busted, and as a result I'm becomming busted as well.  Okay, as I write that I'm kind of cracking up, but I'm so serious.   I need new friends. I need new associates.  I need to surround myself with progressive, positive and energetic people.  I need to evolve. 

Realizing you have a problem is always the first step on the road to recovery...

20 Month Loc update

Hello Blog World!

I noticed I've been ranting excesively about my problems, so here's a loc update to lift your spirits.  If you are anything like me (which you proabably are NOT) constant complaining kinda gets you down. 

Hopefully this will serve as proof that I am NOT five minutes from jumping off the roof. 

-Enjoy

Back at square 1

okay.

I thought I was making progress in the whole "counseling" thing, only to realize yesterday how far I was from a resolution.

Yesterday's counseling session was different, to say the least.

I realized just how much I hold in emotionally... 

Loc Update - kinda sorta, something like that I guess, maybe

its been a while since I've had a loc update - with all of the self induced stress I've been causing - but here it is. 

My three year lo-aversary will be August 31st, so I guess Ive been loc'd for ...
um, lemme see
I'm terrible with math
(counting on my fingers)
I've been loc'd for 32 months..

It doesn't seem like that long ago, and I'm quite sure I'm off on my number (it seems like I've been loc'd for less time.  and now that I think about it and look back at pictures, I realize that I've only been loc'd for what will be going on two years, so technically I'm at 20 months with my locs. 

Okay, now that we've settled that, lemme tell you a lil bit of what's been going on ova hair (you get it?  over HAIR??). 

I've been doing my own maintenance since March of last year (2010), or maybe it was May.  in either event, Ive been doing my own washings, stylings, maintenance, colorings etc.  and although its taken some time to learn how I like my hair, it has been worth ever second.  I learned that pipe cleaners don't work for me, but pin curls do.  I can go about 5-6 weeks without a retwisiting, as long as I moisturize often.  My hair loves conditioner (which I thought was a o no for locs), and needs to be trimmed every two moths or so.  I haven't dyed my hair since the fall (2010) - okay, I did dye my roots, but that doesn't really count. 

My hair has gotten really long too.  the locs in the back have finally fallen just past my neck onto the top of my back - which is really exciting,and the ones on the front come down to my chin if I let them fall that way.  I can almost tie the ones on my the side under my chin -almost. 

Its has also gotten really thick, and HEAVY!  and they hold so much heat... who knew that a 60 degree day would make my head sweat so much!

here are a few pictures, to give you an idea of where I am with my hair..

enjoy!

view from the side

freshly washed

fooling around, looking rasta =)

I tried to capture the length, but idk



its wet, but maybe you can see the lenght and thickness



Take a Break!

This past weekend I did something that I had never done beofre.  I got in the car and just drove.  I ended up in Washington DC at the cherry blossom festival.  While there I checked out the smithsonian museum (I had no idea they were ALL FREE), the Whitehouse (or as close as they would let me), and even got a chance to see the Washington Monument, Jefferson Monument, and the State Capitol building.  I had been in DC before, but ths was the first time I got to take in any of the city's tourism.  I wish I had more time to walk around, but the rain, and time limits prevented it....  It felt good to do something I wanted to do for myself.  who know what this will lead to?

A confession...

Okay.

I'm sure its pretty evident, that I have been going through some major emotional issues for the past few months.  BUT, I'm sure you'll be glad to hear that I am taking some steps to get to the root of the causes...

This week (Wednesday) we (Kyle and I) went to our weekly counseling session and there was actually some kind of break through... not sure what, but I am not as angry with him. 

Not sure if it is me just giving up altogether, or me realizing something that I hadn't previously. 

For the past few days I kinda feel alright...

Here we go again.... I wish I could run AWAY!

Something about these counseling sessions with my soon to be ex-husband are very upsetting... excuse me for sounding  - what's the word -  like I don't care, but I honestly don't.  I no longer care about anything, and these counseling sessions are number one on a very long list of shit I could care less about.  I'm about 30 seconds away from calling each parent and telling them that effective Monday they need to find somewhere else to take their child, buying a one way ticket (what ever I can afford, to wherever it will take me) and running the hell away.  so many things about my life piss me off right now.  I'm pissed that I don't have the money I need in my account.  I'm pissed that I didn't enroll in the class I promised myself.  I'm pissed that I'm sitting here caring for a group of kids who's parent's don't give a flying FUCK about.  I'm pissed that my kids will probably eat take out tonight.  I'm pissed that my stupid van overheats and shimmy's everytime I drive it.  I'm pissed that I never have the time, energy , or money to do a fraction of the things that I want to do... and I'm pissed that I have to go to this stupid fucking counseling and talk about shit that has nothing to do with the reason I want a divorce. 

Not worth stressing....

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Not Afraid....

One thing I have never been is afraid of starting over.  I wonder if that has anything to do with my "oh, fuck it" attitude when it comes to alot of things... 

car broken?  oh well - I can buy a new car.
food burned?  oh well - There's always Burger King
kids acting stupid?, well... its not that easy.  lol

I'm not afraid of doing things on my own.
I'm not afraid of struggling.
I'm not afraid of failing.
I'm not afraid of being wrong - although I'm rarely ever wrong (i'm kidding)

Not sure where this is even going.. just a thought that enetred my mind that I needed to expel into the universe...

UNIVERSE!  LISTEN UP!
I'M NOT AFRAID!!!

I think I might be a Psychopath!

I think I might be a Psychopath?

Recently a number of event have made question my sanity.

First off, I'm in the middle of a "divorce" .  I use quotes, because no paperwork has been filed (there's a long story, that I'll get to in a minute).  In my mind (for all its worth, nowadays) I am in the middle of a horrific divorce that hasn't even started yet.  all that has happened is me saying "I wanna divorce", him saying "no.", me going downtown to "file"- as if things were that easy, and learning why the phrase "its cheaper to keep her" came about.  but all in all, I feel like I don't even care anymore.  Like, if given the choice to stand up and fight or just slip away into the darkness that life has become, I'd - without sounding extra dramatic - chose the latter... 

Secondly, I keep having these anxiety attacks.  the shortness of breath.  the elevated heart beat.  the feelings of running in the street like a crazy person ripping clothing (I'm not how the nakedness fits into this equation) screaming crazy (whatever classifies as crazy) stuff at anyone willing to listen...  I feel like I keep having to talk myself off the ledge. 

Thirdly, I don't know if this is a symptom but I've been increasingly selfish. I guess when the matters come directly to me i get emotional, but other people, not so much..

I guess me getting my hands on a DSM-IV doesn't help matters much...  

Maybe I'm a hypochondriac (I spelled that right on the FIRST try) its the small victories.

Maybe I should see someone... key word being maybe.   What do I say?  Hi, my name is Trish, and I might be a Psychopath.   Is the fact that I think I'm a psychopath the first sign that I'm NOT a psychopath?  I mean wouldn't I have to think that there's nothing wrong with me?  Maybe I just need to chill out... 

One thing I'm sure about is that there is DEFINITELY something wrong with me..

I need help.

disclaimer - this is NOT a cry for help.

Lost & Out of control...

That's the best I could do to sum up the range of emotions I am feeling right now. 

two nights ago I had an anxiety attack.  I hadn't felt that feeling in over 3 years and all of the sudden I had the overpowering urge to bolt through the door half naked with shoes and jacket in hand and haul ass down the street.  my chest was tight, my palms were sweaty, and I felt like screaming.  something - some strange voice in my head - kept saying "go, go, GO!", but I didn't go.  I'm tired of running away from stuff.  I needed to deal with - or at the very least attempt to find out what is causing these feelings that make me wanna get up  and run away. 

sigh.  just thinking about it scares me half to death.  like I would rather be anywhere but here.

About a month ago (give or take) I asked Kyle for a divorce.  He told me that we needed to go to counseling.  I agreed, but only for the sake of being "normal" for our children.  I am truly not interested in saving this relationship whatsoever. 

Its strange.  from the outside looking in, I am sure we appear to be a normal happy couple.  We have what many people call the "rich man's family"  a girl, a boy a pet, a nice home in a nice neighborhood, we make decent income and we work for ourselves.  we drive somewhat newer cars, we pay our bills on time, and we take two vacations a year.  WHAT COULD BE WRONG?  in reality, there are so many small cracks to our foundation..  without going into details, lets just say that we (and I think I speak for Kyle when saying this) are not and have not been happy for a very long time.   we don't even argue.  I wish we did, so we could at least have something to explain to people when we tell them its over...  how will we explain this to our children?

We went to counseling.  We've been going for two weeks now.  quite honestly, it feels like a complete an utter waste of time and money. I could be watching some comedy on NBC rather than answer questions, that seemingly mean nothing to either of us.  WHAT THE HELL DIFFERENCE DOES IT MATTER WHEN EITHER OF US HAVE LOST OUR VIRGINITY? ?  WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST 9 YEARS.. WE'RE SO PAST THAT!!!   

I'm willing to surrender everything if he would just sign the damn papers.  but he's already announced that he wouldn't.  He doesn't want to be "divorced", I don't wanna be married.  we're stuck in the middle.  its only been a month (give or take), but I feel like I've been stuck in this scenario for far too long already.  I can't shake this feeling.  I wanna scream, but I'm afraid of "disrupting" things.  I wanna grab a handful of my stuff and just run away.  but I don't wanna do to my children what my mother did to me. 

2 weeks ago I told him I was going to just go down town and file for divorce - get the process started - when I told him this he asked (or should I say begged) me not to.  told me to give it time.  but now I feel like he's stalling, when all he's doing is trying to save something that he wants so desperately, yet I want nothing to do with...  I wish things were easier.  I wish he would just understand how I feel so that I wouldn't have to constantly explain it to him to make him see things my way. 

I feel another anxiety attack building.

This time I think I may act on those feelings to run. I'm already gone, mentally.  Well not in the give this girl some meds sense.  I mean my mind isnt here - okay no matter how I word that it sounds like I'm crazy - which I'm not!  My heart has stopped loving him a long time ago.  If I could just slip away from it all I would.  I can't be here.

Just when I was about to surrender, I hang my head and see this reminder...

After...

Okay. I must admit. It doesent look likie much. BUT trust me it is. for starters I washed & curled my hair... A few weeks back I found a youtuube video with a young lady doing pin curls and I decided to give it a try. Lemme just tell you, I LOVE IT! I love how long they last, I love the way they look when I put them in an up-do and I even like the way they fall when they're towards the end of their life...

Secondly I got a new pair of sunglasses. my old pair - which looked the same - some how broke. who knows? I actually think a lil person named Miles may have broken them... but I'm not even gonna go there with accusations and such. anyways, I got new sunglasses... don't I look cute? lol

I also got my eyebrows done. they were looking scary. they were starting to reach out and connect and form a slight uni-brow situation... I got that taken care of big time... and that was about it. all in all I took care of myself and only spent 30$. not bad for a mini-me makeover.. one day when I can afford (or shouyls I say, when I'm foolish enough) to spend a couple hundred dollard on a full spa day, I'll get a total package, until then... the little things shall suffice...

um, Maybe not...

Okay, this post has absolutely nothing to do with anything, but its what's on my mind.  I'm up relatively early on a Sunday (especially since I don't go to church) thinking about one thing - MY MENSTRUAL CYCLE/HEALTH - NO I'm not trying to conceive, God NO! but lately my cycle has been on my mind.  this is gonna be TMI, so if you're timid, you may wanna stop reading now...

still here?  okay, I've warned you...

I got my first period (oh, I hate that its called a period) when I was 15 years old.  the only knowledge I had of this "special visit" as my grandmother would call it was that it came once a month, and that I would have to count the days in between to know when to expect it again - pretty simple, NOT! I assumed (because no one told me) that one pack of pads could last well over 2 years because one pad per period times 30 pads in a pack...whoa mama!  I actually laugh every time I buy a pack of pads nowadays... how naive.  when I got that first period (ugh) I thought I was going to bleed out.  it was the most awful experience ever.  EVER EVA!  I was however smart enough to talk to a doctor, who was able to fill me in on some tips and techniques for "handling" this "special time" of the month.  what a relief!  

I told you this post really had nothing to do with anything, just a simple musing i guess... maybe

anyways, fast forward a few years and I am pretty good with tracking this wild red haired beast that I oddly look forward to seeing every month.  I'vee never used any birth control (other than condoms when I was in a non committed relationship...WHAT?  I know I'm not the only person to have pre-martial sex), so I kinda rely on her to keep me sane.  Latley I've been trying to find alternative means to manage my cycle, with no success.  I read somewhere that tampons were no good, so I tried to stop using them... key word tried I LOVE TAMPONS.  they're so convenient and easy to use and I like them alot... its kinda like my relationship with milk....  i know its not good for me, and will leave me bloated, and full of farts but I love it =( I'm so stupid for things I love. 

so now, the real reason why I'm up at this unusually early Sunday hour, I'm considering using a "menstrual cup".  I know a few women who swore by it, but um, I Don't know... something about inserting my fingers into any hole in my body kinda freaks me out a small bit.  (go ahead, furrow your brow, and turn your head sideways).  I DON'T CARE.  I don't dig in my nose, I don't pick at my teeth, I don't mess around in my ears, so what the hell makes me think I'm gonna purposely stick my finger into my vagina?  

I remember onetime I went to get fitted for a diagraphm (my grandmothers advice...ugh I could slap her right now) and was so turned off by the whole "process" that I walked out when the doctor went where ever she went...

nope.  that is one place my finger or anyone else's (other than a doctor) is going to be hanging out. 

So I'm looking online at this menstrual cup thingy, and I'm almost convinced myself to get dressed and go purchase it and save thousands of dollars over the life of my cycle, and contribute to the "greening" of the environment and yada yada yada.. and then some voice says "uh, how does that thing get in there?" I immediately go into panic mode.. is there an applicator?  do I swallow it (I'm kidding about the swallowing) does a doctor insert it?  what the? how the? and then I black out....

Well, i didn't actually black out, but my mind took me to another place, and I started thinking (or trying to figure out) how a pineapple fresh from the tree (or where ever pineapples grow) would taste.  - yes, its that crazy right now.  and then something brings me back. 

I must admit, there are some things that I am just not comfortable dealing with.  sticking my finger into my vagina is definitely one of them.  Sorry environmentally friendly menstrual cup, but I cant be down with your shenanigans... it was definitely a nice fantasy - me running through fairmount park with a plastic device snugly inserted without a care in the world... but its just not for me..at least not right now. 

wow, what a long nonsense post.

period!

Before

Okay.  this weekend i am going to pamper myself to the fullest extent possible.  I need it.  hell! I deserve it! here are the before pictures, the after pictures will be posted sunday evening.  be prepered to be AMAZED!  I'm 'bout to get real fancy onthese biotches...lol

The Hardest thing

The hardest thing I've ever done was
smile when I feel like crying
be positive when everything around seems so negative
tell myself that it'll be okay, when I know that it may not
present myself as aperson who has her shit together - knowing that I could easily crumble
pull myself out of depression, and
turn and walk away

doing it for me....

Doing it for me….

I’m sitting here thinking, and realized that I’ve never done anything for me. I’ve purchased things I wanted or needed, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’ve never done an act that benefited me first. I’m not trying to say that I’m NOT a selfish person, because I have many selfish thoughts and actions, but they’re normally a result of me feeling “trapped”. Let me explain my self. I went to college to prove to my dad that I could in fact turn my life around… by the age of 16 I had been locked up twice, had run away from home numerous times, and wasn’t exactly on the “right track” to success… I had dropped out of school, and honestly didn’t know what or where I would be. I finished my “scoolin’” and applied to college, as a way of proving to my dad that I could do it… I don’t know if I wanted it for me though. While in school, I met a boy, and started a family with him, because that what my grandma wanted for me. She wanted me to “meet a nice boy and settle down”.. But, I don’t think that is what I wanted. I married this man and made a home with him, for my children – but sometimes I wonder if I had been childless would I have made the same decisions… I seriously doubt I would have. I started a daycare to benefit my children – I never wanted to work with/around children (sometimes I don’t even think I like kids). The sad reality is that I’ve never done anything for me. For my benefit – well, maybe I shouldn’t say that, since some of these actions have benefited me…but I’ve done these things as a result of my circumstances – not my desire. I want to start doing stuff for me. Because I want to do them, because I want to be happy. Would that make me selfish?

Hey! How are ya?

The last time I've posted anything was last year, so I'll start off by saying HAPPY NEW YEAR!! 

How has 2011 been to you?  so far this year has been touch and go.  January was okay, but very stressful.  February started with my cousin getting shot in the head, another cousin getting shot inthe leg and my grandfather dying.  so as you can imagine it was very heart wrenching few days. 

But there is always light at the end of every tunnell...

I don't know when or how, but since wednesday I've had this light happy feeling surrounding me... some times I feel guilty for feeling "happy"  especially given the circumstances of my cousin and grandfather, but then something tells me that I should rejoice... I'm still trying to figure out why(even though I should just accept this moment and enjoy it). 

Anyways, The reason I logged on was to show off some pretty awesome Pin Curls that I tries yesterday.  I say a you-tube video and got inspired.  I must admit I was a little nervous (refer to previous posting where my hair looked like medusa) but I tried it anyways.. here are the finished results

it's curled, now what

um, I  am actually a little annoyed at the outcome, but I have learned to laugh at, embrace and ultimatley learn from my mistakes.  The other day (New Year's Day) I decided to try something new with my locs.  I tried to do "pipe cleaner curls" after seeing a Youtube Video and a friend do the same.  in both cases, their hair came out really nice.  For some crazy reason I thought that I could do the same thing and en up with the same results...  But I was reminded that 1) I don't really follow directions that well - written or spoken 2) not everything is for everyone, and 3) I have a pretty nasty temper...

In anyevent, here's what "happened" I am upset that I have spent 2 hours "setting" it only for it to end up like this..and now I still have to FIX it!  I don't know if I'll give this style a second chance.  I don't know y'all...

The little voices told me to tile...

Here's what we did over the Christmas/New Year's Holiday week.  Actually we did nothing for 9 days, and on the final day we did this.  Pretty freaking awesome if I say so my self.  Thanks to Zoe & Miles with their AMAZING help!  Go TeamFleming!