Bah, Humbug!

Lately I’ve been experiencing some spiritual issues that have me questioning so many things in my daily life and for the first time in my life, I am not excited AT ALL about Christmas. I’m not excited about the Tree, The music is starting to annoy the hell outta me, and I don’t even want to step foot in Macy’s, Target, Wal-Mart or anywhere to buy anyone anything… Let’s not even talk about going to church, and dealing with the real meaning of Christmas….

I don’t know what it is. I don’t know where it came from, or what started it, but all I know is that I am NOT in the Christmas sprit this year.

Today Zoë said that she wished it was Christmas today, and I thought to my self (yeah me too, so it would be over tomorrow) … now tell me that aint a crying shame. I feel like things that have happened over the past 4 years have not been resolved (the death of my mother, the loss of a baby, and a real life emotional break down that had me at the end of the rope… literally) and I think that for the first time in my entire existence I miss the person I was before all of this happened.

I miss my mother. Even though she hadn’t been in my life for over 20 years I miss having a mom. I miss being able to say, “Yeah my mom lives in west Philly, but she’s not well” I hate being part of the “yeah my mom’s dead too club” I HATE IT!!!

I miss the baby that I never met. It drives me crazy remembering EVERY DAY that very small part of me that has died.

And, although I’m definitely more emotionally “stable” than I was 4 years ago, I miss being unpredictable… I miss the way people looked at me when I entered the room, because they just didn’t know how to take me. I hate being that person who people think they can just unload all of their shit onto!!! Don’t you think I have my own shit to deal with too?? Has that ever crossed your mind??? I’m Sorry…. It’s just that I can’t continue to being a punching bag for so many people anymore… I’m exhausted

How to deal? How to deal?

I’ve prayed, and laid it all at the alter, but somehow I keep on picking up that all too familiar baggage… Those pretty bags that I know all to well.

I’ve tried meds, and while they make me feel nice in the nicest way, it’s not what I need.

Food...well that makes me feel good, but then the extra weight just messes things all up, and no food… we a’int even gonna go there…

I’ve cut people out of my life! Too many to count; all of those people who used me, who didn’t remember me, who didn’t really know me, or love me, are gone. They’re like old scars; always a part of me, but no longer causing the pain that they once caused.

And now, at what should be a very joyous time of year I feel like crap. I just want to be left alone. I feel depression creeping up, and I can’t shake it. I feel like...