I got alot on my mind... so if this post seems like a long rant, it probably is...
My Dilemma
When I was younger my father decided that his girls (me & malisa) should be raised in a "church family". He was a single dad, and must've thought that we would find some sort of guidance and support there. We were baptized, took Communion,and even sang on the children's choir. We participated in every event Monday night prayer service, Wednesday night bible study, Saturday bible School, Sunday morning worship, Christmas & Easter plays... everything.
That was until one year the Church threw a real big event where they closed down the street and invited everyone from the community to come out and "get to know them" the church pulled no stops. they had the BBQ grill lit, pony rides for the little ones, on the spot counseling, blood pressure readings, and all other kinds of stuff... but they forgot all about us.
When I say they forgot, I mean they forgot!!! the ushers (who were little old ladies in white dresses,and nurse shoes) pushed by us to get to the collard greens, the deacons ignored my dad's questions, and the pastor didn't give me a mint that day... My dad quietly gathered us up, got in the car and we never came back again. and the worst part is that no one ever called to see what happened to us.
Yes, I'm serious... It took me years to ever walk into a church again. I guess I was scorned. When I did go back to church I was broken, lost and just so fed up with my current state of affairs. I needed something new, something real. I needed God.
I was greeted, , embraced and welcomed, but after a while I was forgotten.. i became that person who was pushed to the side, the person who's name (or last name) was so darn hard to remember. I became my dad. and now I'm at that point where I am about to quietly gather my children, get in the car and never return.
Now don't get me wrong... my problem is not with God, and neither is my problem with the Church per se, but i do have a problem with faulty organizations... especially when that organization is a church. I have a problem when the one place that I turn to when my shit is all over the place can't quite seem to get their shit together. I have a problem when my children look forward to something that is not stable.. I have a problem!!
Maybe it's just me, Maybe I'm going through some stuff right now and I need to step back from it and take a look around. but what if it ain't me?? how long should I step back? how long should i wait and see?? how long should I long for a church home?? I know that everyone; even pastors, and little old ladies in white dresses and nurse shoes, go through things and may relate to peole in different ways, and I know stuff happens, but come on!!!
here's my plan.. uh oh
I'm not going to quit church, so don't get yourself all worked up... but what I will do is take a hiatus from my current church "home" Let's see what else is out there. let's see if the grass looks greener or if it really is.
3 comments:
WOW! It's NOT just you! I am with you 100%. Don't know if that's sad or not but you gotta do what you gotta do. And you especially gotta ACT when you can't shack off certain feelings...
I dunno. I came from a church where we had already gone through the start up process - we were already established (plus I was too young to know if there were any major issues). So I don't know what it's supposed to feel like to be a part of something new-ish. I mean even in a marriage relationship we've gotta learn to communicate, we've gotta learn how to work through things. It's not always pretty and sometimes it seems like you're always looking to hop to the next best thing... I've contemplated going back to my old church, but then I find myself going back understanding that it's not always about my timing. We do not know the mind of God, we'll never understand His ways. Sure I get frustrated - but I think I'm going to ride it out until the church takes off and sprout wings. And if we don't sprout wings and fly, then as a family, we'll make a decision from that point. These are just words from my heart, not trying to minimize your inward struggle. I had some reservations about responding, but...I would definitely miss seeing you in the place - I always enjoy singing on the Praise team and being able to see the faces of those who are a part of my church family. Ty, you and your family are missed. I digress.
Yes! Yes ! Yes! Mrs. Strickland I definitley agree with your comment... It's not my first decision to "jump ship" when things go wrong, but after a while when there are holes all over the place and water is coming in way too fast that sink or swim sensation comes in and I gotta decide. I'm not saying that I am going to quit church all together, but I just need some time to listen to what God is trying to tell me.
It's not called a church "Family" for nothing... I know There are going to be those crazy cousins that you can't stand or the sister that needs to get her stuff together, and maybe even the Dad who wasn't there or the Mom who could've done more... But even though we love them there are times wher we gotta say "sorry Dad, but I just can't do it today" or "Sis, I love you like nothing else, but I need some space" and that's how I feel right now. The church has really been like a second (and sometimes a first) family for me. I've opened up to many of you, shared things that my real family dosent even know, opened my home, and my heart, so trust me when I say that it hurts to feel this way... It hurts to wanna stay, but wanna leave at the same time...
All in all, I know that some how some way this is a test. I know that God is using the church, it's members and even what I'm (we're) going through for his purpose... I just have to sit quiet enough to hear...
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