Ease on Down the Road...

That's what I'm gonna try and do.

Two days ago I spoke with my sister through a mediator... yes things have gotten that bad. She was allowed to air her grievances with me, and I with her. According to her, "we never had a good relationship", I "betrayed her" (on several occasions, and, according to her, she "has no sister"

Talk about shock and awe...

Well, what can I say. It's true, we never had a decent relationship - at least not a real "sisterly" one... Since the age of six I was forced into the role of surrogate mom since our own mother was no longer in the picture. I was at some times responsible for clothing, bathing and feeding a child when just a child myself... so my relationship with her was more as a mother figure than a sister. So I guess she's right to say that. It's one thing to know it, but it hurts to hear it.

Betrayed... When I asked the mediator to ask her to elaborate, she had no response. But I know (or I at least think I know) where/what she may be talking about... When I was 14 years old I ran away from home, and stayed away for almost 3 years. I wanted - no needed - to escape from that house. I was tired of caring for children. Tired of cooking and cleaning, mending and tending to children. I needed time to be a child... so I ran away. I know it's not the best way to resolve issues, but children do childish things... So I ran away, and stayed with my Aunt, but during that time I had little or no contact with my sister or brothers (my dad felt that I was a bad influence and would/could influence them to follow suit). But the time I returned how I was 17 and a different person. I stayed for a few months, but left 3 months before my 18th birthday to attend college.

I never talked directly to my sister about things that happened to her during those 3 years, but I know that during that time she became sexually active, and had began running the streets. God only knows what else. Over the years she has thrown things in mt face, always relating to when I "left her"... Perhaps she felt abandoned by me.. by the only "mother" she knew. I don't know.

As far as her having no sister. I'm not even really upset by that statement. Especially after her claims of me betraying her. Right now I'm kind of at peace. Part of me feels like now I can truly live my life without having to constantly worry about "her". Since forever I have been taking care of her. I went to a state college so I would still be close. When I had the opportunity to transfer and move to Savanna , GA I didn't because she "needed me". So many times... I did things for her. My husband tried to play an active role in her children's lives so they could know what a real Man was like - caring, loving, supportive, THERE - unlike their own father. And it was all in Vain... If only I knew things would turn out this way.

I had to write this out, to get it out of my head. I'm exhausted. I have to move on though. If she wants to terminate what ever "relationship" we had, then I have to let it be. the mediator suggested counseling - but I've been there and done that, and don't see the point in going through it AGAIN - only for her to not show or "make things right" when she needs me.

I'm through. I no longer need the relationship that we had. I no longer need to feel compelled to care for or love someone only because someone else wronged them. She'll always be my sister, but... I'll leave it at that, and in the mean time I won't carry nothing, That might be a load... Come on, ease on down...Ease on down the road