"Not What I expected..."

“Not quite what I expected”

If you’re like me, I’m sure you’ve said or at least thought this before:

“Not what I expected…”

Be it a book, a new CD, or a conversation, we’ve all had that moment when we’ve been disappointed…maybe even felt slighted. But have you ever examined your expectations? And better yet, how do you think you live up to the expectations of others?

This question comes as a result of a friend sharing some news with me that I found quite disturbing…She expressed her dissatisfaction in a particular service she was or was not receiving. Instead of her criticism being taken and used to provide better service, my friend was accused of having “unrealistic expectations of people”.

Wow! I wasn’t expecting that…

I must admit… I expect a lot from people whom I feel some sense of connection to. I expect my children to obey. I expect my husband to honor our wedding vows, I expect my employee(s) to perform in accordance with their job description, and I expect people to understand that I have expectations and that I set my standards high…

But, Now I’m left wondering what exactly makes an expectation unrealistic or unreasonable? And does having expectations and holding others (and yourself) accountable go hand in hand? Do our expectations change with our circumstances? Our goals? I expect that answers will vary.

Let me share a story with you…

My mother abandoned my sister and I when we were both very young – well, actually that’s not the whole truth. My mother was bipolar, and became heavily dependent on street drugs. She was selling things from our home to support her drug habit, and her actions, and behavior became very destructible…no place to raise young girls (or any child for that much). My dad relocated us (my sister and I) I was 7 , she was 1. My mom NEVER (not even once) reached out to us, or attempted to get herself clean so that she could be a mother to us, therefore (in my mind) we were abandoned… anyways… between the ages of 7 and 14 my dad had a string (and I mean string) of girlfriends. None of which exemplified what many would consider characteristics becoming of a lady. They were crass, they were crude, they were vulgar, they were deceptive, and they were unfaithful. The few that I thought I could confide in proved me wrong…

As a result, my expectations of people, specifically females, were skewed. To me they could not be trusted, they were all the same, and I never gave them a chance to prove otherwise… Now let’s fast-forward 10 years… I have NO female friends, not even aquiantenances, and I’m working as an Office Manager in an office of ALL women – pure hell! From the outside, I got my stuff together – a well paying job, I own a home, I’m driving a new car, I’m married, I have a beautiful child…. But on the inside I’m falling apart…something’s missing. Did I mention that I was working in an office of all women? All whom were exhibiting the same qualities (or lack of qualities) that I saw in my dad’s girlfriends- they’re talking about one another, and then smiling in each other’s faces, instead of uplifting one another they’re looking for and pouncing on each other’s insecurities. It was so annoying.

And then I met Terry Davis.

Right off the bat I could see that she was different, but it took me a few months to realize what. For starters she carried herself in a much more “dignified” way. She spoke softly and controlled her anger. She uplifted and encouraged. She was Christian…

*sidebar* Please don’t be led to think that I believe Christians to be the only ones capable of carrying themselves in a dignified manner, or controlling their anger, or uplifting and encouraging. I know countless men and women who practice diverse religions, and act “right”, just as I know many Christians who “miss the mark” terribly.

I had known Christians before, but I had never met someone who professed their love for Jesus, and actually “acted Christ-like”. Never… One of the things that Terry taught me (and still reminds me on a daily basis through her e-mails, texts, and phone calls) is that God holds us to a HIGHER standard…and that we are therefore charged with holding one another accountable… She taught me that we should have expectations of others, just as we should want and expect from God… Contrary to my belief, expecting from God was rude, but she reminded me of that ALL the difficulties that are brought forward as keeping us back from full salvation, have their cause in this one thing: the defective knowledge and practice of waiting and expecting upon God.
There was nothing wrong with having expectations. That was my ah-a moment….

Terry Davis allowed me to change my expectations of people (including women). Yeah, there are women who disrespect themselves and others… but I have learned to realize that those few do not represent the whole… So back to my original question:

What makes our expectations unrealistic?

Albert Ellis, noted psychotherapist (yep, I studied Psychology too) has said, "Where is it written that others must act the way we want them to. It may be preferable, but not necessary."

So riddle me this…

What do you expect from your child’s teacher? Do you expect that your child will be educated, safe, nurtured academically, respected and valued? Do you expect a certain level of professionalism?

What about your friends? What do you expect from them? Do you expect them to be loyal? To encourage you? To share in life’s ups and downs?

What about your church leaders?

What about your parents?

What about yourself?

What about me?

Over the past 10 years, I’ve learned a lot about how people operate, and one of the things that I learned is that people don’t respond well to criticism… especially when you tell them that they failed to meet your expectations… They tend to throw the “your expectations of people are unrealistic” card in your face. EVEN THOUGH they instill in you that you can depend on them.

Your parents tell you that they love you and that they’re there for you, no matter what but tell them you’re homosexual. Tell them that you’re dropping out of college AGAIN. Tell them that you’re pregnant at 16. Will they live up to what they’ve promised or will they fail to meet your expectations?

What about your church leaders? What happens when they fail to lead you spiritually, when their actions or deeds become different from their sermons? What happens when they preach “works” but fail to participate? What happens when they promise confidence, yet preach about Sarah being unfertile while eyeballing you? Have they failed to meet your expectations?

Where does that leave you? Do you stop expecting? Do you stop caring? Does that guard go back up? Do you stop holding yourself and others accountable?

Just a thought…