doing it for me....

Doing it for me….

I’m sitting here thinking, and realized that I’ve never done anything for me. I’ve purchased things I wanted or needed, but that’s not what I’m talking about. I’ve never done an act that benefited me first. I’m not trying to say that I’m NOT a selfish person, because I have many selfish thoughts and actions, but they’re normally a result of me feeling “trapped”. Let me explain my self. I went to college to prove to my dad that I could in fact turn my life around… by the age of 16 I had been locked up twice, had run away from home numerous times, and wasn’t exactly on the “right track” to success… I had dropped out of school, and honestly didn’t know what or where I would be. I finished my “scoolin’” and applied to college, as a way of proving to my dad that I could do it… I don’t know if I wanted it for me though. While in school, I met a boy, and started a family with him, because that what my grandma wanted for me. She wanted me to “meet a nice boy and settle down”.. But, I don’t think that is what I wanted. I married this man and made a home with him, for my children – but sometimes I wonder if I had been childless would I have made the same decisions… I seriously doubt I would have. I started a daycare to benefit my children – I never wanted to work with/around children (sometimes I don’t even think I like kids). The sad reality is that I’ve never done anything for me. For my benefit – well, maybe I shouldn’t say that, since some of these actions have benefited me…but I’ve done these things as a result of my circumstances – not my desire. I want to start doing stuff for me. Because I want to do them, because I want to be happy. Would that make me selfish?