Lost & Out of control...

That's the best I could do to sum up the range of emotions I am feeling right now. 

two nights ago I had an anxiety attack.  I hadn't felt that feeling in over 3 years and all of the sudden I had the overpowering urge to bolt through the door half naked with shoes and jacket in hand and haul ass down the street.  my chest was tight, my palms were sweaty, and I felt like screaming.  something - some strange voice in my head - kept saying "go, go, GO!", but I didn't go.  I'm tired of running away from stuff.  I needed to deal with - or at the very least attempt to find out what is causing these feelings that make me wanna get up  and run away. 

sigh.  just thinking about it scares me half to death.  like I would rather be anywhere but here.

About a month ago (give or take) I asked Kyle for a divorce.  He told me that we needed to go to counseling.  I agreed, but only for the sake of being "normal" for our children.  I am truly not interested in saving this relationship whatsoever. 

Its strange.  from the outside looking in, I am sure we appear to be a normal happy couple.  We have what many people call the "rich man's family"  a girl, a boy a pet, a nice home in a nice neighborhood, we make decent income and we work for ourselves.  we drive somewhat newer cars, we pay our bills on time, and we take two vacations a year.  WHAT COULD BE WRONG?  in reality, there are so many small cracks to our foundation..  without going into details, lets just say that we (and I think I speak for Kyle when saying this) are not and have not been happy for a very long time.   we don't even argue.  I wish we did, so we could at least have something to explain to people when we tell them its over...  how will we explain this to our children?

We went to counseling.  We've been going for two weeks now.  quite honestly, it feels like a complete an utter waste of time and money. I could be watching some comedy on NBC rather than answer questions, that seemingly mean nothing to either of us.  WHAT THE HELL DIFFERENCE DOES IT MATTER WHEN EITHER OF US HAVE LOST OUR VIRGINITY? ?  WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR ALMOST 9 YEARS.. WE'RE SO PAST THAT!!!   

I'm willing to surrender everything if he would just sign the damn papers.  but he's already announced that he wouldn't.  He doesn't want to be "divorced", I don't wanna be married.  we're stuck in the middle.  its only been a month (give or take), but I feel like I've been stuck in this scenario for far too long already.  I can't shake this feeling.  I wanna scream, but I'm afraid of "disrupting" things.  I wanna grab a handful of my stuff and just run away.  but I don't wanna do to my children what my mother did to me. 

2 weeks ago I told him I was going to just go down town and file for divorce - get the process started - when I told him this he asked (or should I say begged) me not to.  told me to give it time.  but now I feel like he's stalling, when all he's doing is trying to save something that he wants so desperately, yet I want nothing to do with...  I wish things were easier.  I wish he would just understand how I feel so that I wouldn't have to constantly explain it to him to make him see things my way. 

I feel another anxiety attack building.

This time I think I may act on those feelings to run. I'm already gone, mentally.  Well not in the give this girl some meds sense.  I mean my mind isnt here - okay no matter how I word that it sounds like I'm crazy - which I'm not!  My heart has stopped loving him a long time ago.  If I could just slip away from it all I would.  I can't be here.